Coming on this race, I thought that all of my greatest attributes would come flowing out; displaying myself as this lovely servant that is always joyful and never frustrated. Always loving and never short ending someone. I figured that by serving alongside so many amazing people and working with astounding organizations, that I would perfect my strong suits.
I had a rude awakening at launch when I was pulled up in front of all the squads launching in July. Guided by the Holy Spirit, this man pulled out of me the secrets that I hide behind: always being joyful, people pleasing, peace keeping, and perfectionism.
Um hi. Nice to meet you all too.
With each month that passes away, I feel like a part of me that is ugly and blemished comes pouring out. Whether that is, not feeling worthy, to walking through the process of letting go of shame and guilt from sins that have taunted me, to being frustrated or annoyed, to finding that you still use coping mechanisms that aren’t healthy and need to be purged to dealing with fear that hides in secret places. I could go on forever with all of these weaknesses but we’d be here all day.
Through the past 7 months, things within myself have surfaced and been exposed. It happens naturally but I hate it. I hate that the people around me are seeing things in me that need help – that need refining. It is absolutely, 100% the most uncomfortable thing for me. It repulses me and makes my skin crawl to think about having friends see the nitty, gritty, dirty stuff inside of me. That’s the perfectionist inside of me squirming at the sheer fact that I’m not portraying the “perfect Christian woman” all day, everyday. #unrealisticexpectations
As I mull over my thoughts and observations about myself and my character, I have two sides fighting. My flesh wants to blame the race. I want to blame the situations, the countries, the ministry, anything. I want to put all the blame on anything that can possibly take it. Dump the blame, make excuses and create a distorted view to make it look like it’s everyone else’s fault that I haven’t been on my A game.
Then there is the Spirit inside of me. And goodness, if I didn’t have Him, I would sadly be blaming the world for my own pile of crap and not taking any responsibility for myself at all. But by His never ending grace and mercy, Jesus has lovingly pointed out to me how I can go about dealing with this.
I have two choices. I can choose to play the victim, functioning off of shame and insecurities or I can choose to live a wholehearted life by addressing the issues head on and going to the root of things.
I’m currently half way through a book call Daring Greatly by Brené Brown. The book was hard for me to get into at first and it felt a little repetitive as I had recently finished Scary Close by Donald Miller. Both books heavily talk about vulnerability. However, in Daring Greatly, Brown talks about how many people have hidden behind their shame, guilt, perfectionism, cliché molds, anger, numbing and fear.
She talks about building a shame resilience in life which ultimately leads to living a wholehearted lifestyle that has priorities, healthy boundaries and authentic connections to humans. You learn how to step into cultivating relationships that function off of trust, love and vulnerability while shaking off the shackles of shame. Building your shame resilience takes time, practice and a lot of self examination.
As I read through this book, I am doing a butt ton of self examination – fully aware that there have been things pulled out of me over the last 7 months that have caused me to lean into why I cope one way or react another way. I’ve had to trace back my steps and examine my life, looking for wounds or behaviors that have pushed me into being a peace keeper, perfectionist, scared of deep relationships and a people pleaser. And when placed in an environment where I physically, mentally and emotionally cannot fake it anymore, it all comes crashing down.
All of my insecurities fall out in a matter of seconds, all of my horrifying coping mechanisms get plastered in red across my forehead and it takes a nice bite out of my heart, removing any pride or self righteousness that might have been there.
Yea. Yucky.
But yes please.
Here’s why.
I would rather feel like I am a sucky person for awhile as I work through, process, learn, grow and ditch things that aren’t healthy for me, than live in a fantasy world where I function off of these roles and molds until I hit my mid forties and have a freaking crisis because I cannot keep living in the unrealistic expectations and fear.
I would rather learn now, how to kick shame and guilt to the curb and live a wholehearted, full and free life emotionally, spiritually and mentally than to keep performing in the worlds play. Even if that means it’s painful. Even if that means I look ugly for awhile. Even if that means I’m exposed and even if that means I have to pull out, one by one, the lies that have pierced through my shame resilience shield.
It’s better to be real, raw and vulnerable than to fake it and pretend like you are the perfect warrior that does no wrong and has bleached butthole. Aint no body got time for a life that is numbed by hiding from vulnerability and pride that has a stench so strong that it repels anyone in a 5 foot radius. Its nurturing to live a life that is fully alive, awake and present than one that is dead, numb and dumb.
Maybe this blog was just to sooth me as I acknowledge that I am a recovering perfectionist and people pleaser and that I have flaws that need to be worked on and healed. That I have dirt on my feet and look a little tattered, but that doesn’t mean that I am any less worthy. It doesn’t mean I am less of a person. It doesn’t mean I am undeserving of love, belonging, connection, and relationships. It just makes me a human woman that needs so, so much grace and forgiveness. It means that I am all the more set free than I was 5 minutes ago before posting my raw feelings for you to read and hopefully helping you to lean into what you are hiding behind too. Whether that is avoiding, numbing, hiding, pride, perfectionism or fear – it looks different for everyone.
Living a fully awake life is what I want to choose. Even when that means I dump my guts in the most unexpected times in my life. I suppose that is part of the thrill when you are learning, growing and developing into the person that Jesus has for you. Strive to reach your full potential. Push for vulnerability, humility and connection and be willing to swim through the deep waters to get yourself back to the son kissed surface.
“Now Peter and those who were with Him were heavy with sleep, but when they became fully awake they saw His glory…” Luke 9:32 ESV
Great Books on vulnerability, boundaries and connection are the following:
Daring Greatly, Brene Brown
Scary Close, Donald Miller
Keep Your Love On, Danny Silk
Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend
