I often wonder what the twelve disciples thought about while they went out to different people groups. Even better I wonder how they felt while spreading the gospel to people that have never heard of the mysteries and miracles of Christ.
I find myself entertaining images of the disciples doing ministry, questioning if they ever felt intimately chosen. Did they feel honored and amazed at the fact that they were the ones standing in for Jesus as He took His seat in heaven? Did they feel scared or confused at why they were chosen? Did they spend time trying to perfect themselves along the path of administering the gospel?
Concluding my month in Mozambique I laid limp with Jesus. Realizing that I had just charged through 3 months of life, stuffing myself with ways I could be doing better, while simultaneously trying to purge myself of the lifestyle lived in perfectionism.
I walked through month one, realizing that I had spent 22 years people pleasing, conforming to people’s needs and performing for the puppet masters hidden behind the worlds curtains.
Taking a stride into month two, I was smacked in the face with the naked truth that I don’t truly love myself due to all the shame I kept locked up in a secret room. I was letting satan hold the keys to a door that needed to dissipate at the feet of Jesus and never return.
Moving forward, into month three, it was revealed to me that I have been introspective, confining myself to the never ending spaces of my brain and soul. While that is good to a degree, it isn’t necessarily helpful when you are out in the field, trying to look for ways to take Jesus to those around you.
Month four came rolling around the corner, and I was hesitant to even cross the boarder because I had a feeling that Jesus was coming down to thunder.
Flash forward to day 3 in India and I find myself surrounded by my squad, in the middle of the jungle where we stood face to face with an unreached people group. I could feel the Holy Spirit weaving through the trees as I began to hike up the mountain.
Our assignment that day was unreal. We formed an assembly line passing bricks up the mountain to build a church for this congregation. We ended up getting 4,000 bricks up to their desired location that over looked the lush land that the Lord had given to them.
To this very moment, I’ve concluded that the experience is blatantly indescribable. The views, the emotion, the prayers, the thoughts, and the feelings. It was too beautiful and too surreal to formulate a description over the days gifts.
Yet I tell you all this because it was there, on the side of a mountain, in the dense jungle, pouring rain, singing praise and tossing bricks that I felt Jesus standing beside me. His Holy Spirit raining down, washing the sweat off of my skin.
Gently interlocking His fingers into mine, reminding me that all I need to do is be loyal and true to Him.
There is no equation to solve. There is no watering for me to do.
He let me see that I need to quit my addiction to gorging myself on “life lessons” and fine tuning myself. Believing that I am enough with out doing a thing.
That true life with Jesus comes when I stop worrying about myself and I start zeroing in on welcoming Him into every moment, every nook in my brain, every black spot in my heart, every thought that passes through – to know that I have been chosen to travel more intimately with Him and that’s all I have to do.
Just BE with Him; alive, present and pressing into Him.
I am His disciple. He is my King. And for whatever reason, He chose me to go out and be His feet.
“Both qualifications and significance appear different here on earth than from Heaven’s perspective. Just as humility welcomes exaltation, so weakness qualifies us for strength. And striving for significance will actually undermine our significance. When Jesus wanted to be baptized in water by John, John knew he wasn’t qualified (see Matt. 3:14). But when you are willing to do what you’re unqualified to do, that’s what qualifies you. And it was the same for Moses. But the deciding factor on Moses’ qualifications went beyond even his willingness to obey. It came down to one thing – who would go with Him” ( Hosting the Presence, Bill Johnson).
