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This is a random journal entry that I read recently that I thought I would share about my journey this far:

The Lord has brought me through some tough stuff about myself that before I left on this trip was very well hidden by my other self. The self that liked to hide from who she truly is. A Daughter of a really great Papa Bear. Not a tough girl who try’s to hide herself behind a gruff sarcastic exterior to keep herself from how she truly feels. I have found that throughout my journey this far  I am girly and I have heard on more than one occasion on this trip that People think that about me. It really just makes me laugh. 🙂 haha!  It just sounds strange to say about myself because for so long I have fought against it. 

 
I just really love people to. My heart breaks for them when I see them hurting. I just want to sit down and cry for them.  It’s really a great freedom to feel like who you were meant to be.

 

I’ve been learning a lot about my defensiveness and how the majority of my life I’ve been operating out of rejection. Which in most cases causes an emotional response which then leads to me defending something and most of the time it’s not worth defending! EVER!

I am still trying to sort out why I have such a sense of rejection in my life.  I go back to my childhood to high school to college and I can’t put my finger on where it came from. I know in high school i struggled with not having my own identity because everyone always called me “Kasi’s Little Sister” But I mean really! Why didn’t I just own my identity. I never made it my own. It was to easy to place blame and feel rejected to be accepted by people’s pity. And really maybe this sense of rejection comes from no one having sympathy for me because I always cried about not being me and having my own identity.   Really I think they were doing me a favor. I was being a baby!!!!!!!! WOW I have never even processed this before I just lived in it. Maybe this is really the core of it. People were trying to help me claim it! I just wanted to keep wallowing in my own crap!   This is incredible and so so so incredibly stupid! I mean really!

 
I have also started trying to be alot more careful with my words. I know i can have vomit of the mouth sometimes and i’ve really tried to start taking ownership of my words because most of the time they just get me into trouble.

 
 It’s been beautiful!  I am learning to be who he has created me to be and that is a girl who doesn’t have a tough shell, who doesn’t hide behind a wall. But a girl who is broken into a million different pieces, who is so far at the end of herself she can’t do anymore but rely on her father to carry her. I am a precious, broken little girl who wants nothing more than to sit at her daddy’s feet and learn who she is and who HE has created her to be! 
                                                                                                           My broken offering!