Alyssa and I recently celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary while here in Da Nang, Vietnam. We took some time at dinner (we chose Italian of course because #lasagna) to reflect on how we’ve seen each other grow since we’ve gotten married. This got us thinking that we’ve learned a lot of important lessons about marriage between the 2 1/2 years before the World Race and the 1/2 year so far on the Race. We’ve got so much more learning and growing to do but we wanted to share some of our lessons learned so far!
1. Apologize/forgive quickly.
None of us are immune to this, we need to express enough humility to apologize and enough grace to forgive. Apologizing and asking for forgiveness is really so attractive – there’s such strength in humility, not weakness. Be quick to say “I am sorry!” when you’ve been wrong, haven’t communicated, or haven’t loved well…find those three words to say in a moment, realize you need to own it, and then let the words be said with sincerity. Grace = unmerited favor. Be quick to forgive! Withholding forgiveness is a misunderstanding of grace and ultimately can end up hurting you more than the offender. There’s a freedom in extending forgiveness that has the power to heal even the most difficult things we encounter in our relationships.
2. Go deep & communicate well.
Truly get to know each other. Open up and talk about the deeper points of ourselves. You should each know about each others hopes, dreams, desires, struggles, what they’re working on and what they’ve overcome. One way we create space for more intentional time connecting with each other is by doing a weekly marriage devotional that we call our “Covenant Check-Up”. It’s a time where we ask each other questions such as “what brought you joy this week?”, “how did I make you feel loved this week?”, “how can I be praying for you this week?”, and other questions of the sort. We love it and it has definitely helped our communication and brings us closer together. We also have a “no phones in the bedroom” rule. We tried this out sometime during our 2nd year of marriage once we noticed that sometimes we were giving our phones more attention at night than each other. This boundary helps us make space for intentional communication, and personally, I would rather cuddle up with my wife before bed than an electronic device.
3. Fight for your time together.
A good marriage isn’t something you find, it’s something you make…and you have to keep on making it. I love the quote, “As you live your days, so you will live your life.” It reminds me to fight for one on one time with my spouse every single day. Quality time with each other is so important for a marriage. Don’t check out, dive in.
4. Talk about hard things early on before they get bigger.
Like the words of JohnnySwim, “Love at any cost is a bargain.” Do the hard things necessary to further your marriage and mend any wounds, because your relationship is always worth any work or effort that you could ever put into it. Don’t be afraid of conflict, because people don’t communicate well when they are afraid of conflict. Keep this in mind; conflicts are inevitable but combat is optional.
5. Truly listen to each other.
Pay attention to what lights your partner up, and encourage them in that area. Really hear what they are saying and take it to heart. It’s amazing what you can learn about your spouse when you truly listen to them.
6. Don’t let the pursuit and romance die, be whimsical!
“Whimsy – the nagging idea that life could be magical; it could be special if we were only willing to take a few risks.” – Bob Goff. Keep doing all the little things you did when you were trying to win your partner over. You can’t just “coast” once you’re married thinking that everything will be fine and your marriage will keep itself healthy. Keep pursuing your spouse! Good intentions don’t build great marriages. The intentions don’t do the building, it’s the actions behind them that does the doing. Build the marriage you want, not by wishing it to be, but rather by working toward it.
7. React first from a place of love.
“Respond gently when you are confronted and you’ll defuse the rage of another. Responding with sharp, cutting words will only make it worse. Don’t you know that being angry can ruin the testimony of even the wisest of men?” (Proverbs 15:1)
8. Be each other’s biggest supporters/encouragers/teammates.
Always stick up for each other. You two are teammates and should always be looking to each other for support; be that person of support! Be a person who your partner can always count on to have their back. Be an example to others for how to love, support and edify your spouse.
9. Prioritize getting close with their friends & family.
Why wouldn’t you try to get close to the people who your spouse loves most in the world? They’re not going anywhere, get used to them and look for the reasons why your spouse loves them. Both Alyssa and I are very lucky to have such great relationships with our in-laws, but we know for other married couples, this may not always be the case. Try to remember to not talk down about these people to your spouse, you will end up resenting each other for this. Once you are married, you are all family!
10. Cast vision with each other, set goals, dream together!
Having a rich, satisfying marriage requires intention and vision. Create the vision that you want for your marriage as a team, and have fun dreaming together! Remember to keep each other accountable and always encourage one another to achieve the goals that you have set, both as a couple and individually.
If you’ve gotten to the end of reading this whole post, thank you! I wanted to leave off with this reminder (and I’m preaching to the choir here): Everyday we get the opportunity to make choices. Choices about what we say, how we act (or react), what we do in our spare time, how we treat our spouse, what we do or don’t do for our marriage….and all of these choices are building us into a specific kind of person. Our small daily choices matter in the long run, and how we live our days will be how we live our lives. How we treat our marriage daily, will be the type of marriage we build. So let’s live lives where our marriages are marked with everyday acts of patience, love, kindness, thoughtfulness, and grace!
