I have realized that I have a fear of rejection. I am afraid that if I show my true self then
no one would want to be around me so I put up a front that I don’t care what
people think and that front of not caring has become an identity to me. And I will do what I can to protect that
identity and yet that is not who I really am. I do care what people think, even the clothes I wear, even though it may
not be the coolest look, I care that people think I don’t care what I
wear. I want people to buy into this
false front that I have put on and so validating my front that much more and
allowing me to hide behind it that much longer. I tried as a young kid to fit in with the cool kids and just not being
that type I decided not to care and so pushed away those feelings, instead of
truly dealing with them.
This
fear has played a role into my relationships. I dated a girl for 2 ½ years and loved her and wanted to marry her and
would have done anything for her. I
moved close to where she was living at the time so that we could be together
but after 2 weeks of moving we broke up. She knew that I loved her and that I wanted to marry her but she told me
that she couldn’t love me the way that I loved her. In my mind it sounded like nobody could love
me then. If the one person that I wanted
to be with the most and did everything I could for couldn’t love me then who
could? This obviously was a lie but
still plays into my fear of rejection.
This
fear of rejection took on a new look of distrusting people. It has always taken me a long time to build a
solid relationship with people even since I was a little boy. But with this distrust in people it takes
even longer now. After the break up I
tried making some new friends and seeing if they could be people that I could
open up to. But as soon as I started
making headway there, I was called to the World Race. Coming on the race, hasn’t been easy. Being thrown into community and just expected
to throw yourself out there for people you don’t really know. I realize now that I haven’t been as open as
I thought I was. I wasn’t sharing what was
truly bothering me at times. I was
afraid that I wouldn’t be accepted.
Seeing
this now distrust in people, I built up pride. If I can’t trust people, then I can do things myself and if I can’t do
it myself then I will struggle until someone sees that I need help and when
they offer help, I will pretend things are ok, but if they insist then I with
false humility agree. Pride prevents me
from asking for help. It takes what
ought to be shared and puts it all on my shoulders to which I feel I can handle
but really know it will be way too much to me, but pride being what pride is, I
refuse help.
Fear,
distrust and pride then not only work their way into the physical world but in
the spiritual sense as well. I see
myself struggling at times, of what I am uncertain but know that I am
struggling. Instead of turning toward
people, who I know to be God fearing, loving friends I fight as much as I can
to turn to my own vices and figure this out on my own. I often even use the excuse that I don’t know
how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking to tell myself that if I can’t even voice
my thoughts or emotions how could someone even begin to help me. The struggle still remains and I keep it
inside. So outwardly I look fine and yet
there is a sin eating at me and in my pride, in my distrust and in my fear of
rejection I tell myself I’m fine and I can work it out, just me and God. God intended us to have community to share
burdens and to call each other to greatness; I can’t begin to do that when I’m
solely focused on myself and my own problems.
O wretched man that I am who can save me from this body
of death…praise be to the crucified and risen Jesus our Lord and Savior!!!
