I am a thinker. I over-
analyze too much people say. In my opinion I think they under-analze
lol. I like things I can dwell on for a while. I do not like writing
things down. I personally have this thing… where if I cannot remember
it or apply it in real life, then it is not worth writing. I have been
told you are 8 times more likely to remember something if you write it
down. Well God fortunately and UN-fortunately blessed me with an
immaculate memory.
With this memory I have never needed to diary or journal. Well, I
started one 2 weeks ago and have only missed 2 days so far. Although I
remember this stuff normally, I was convinced by a certain someone that
it would be of value to me later and for the sake of my longevity and
others, I began sending myself emails to an undisclosed address that
only I write to.
Well with this blessing of a good memory comes more problems. My brain is an
engineering plant. This thing works on logistics and formulas. If there
is a probability factor or some manual written on something or at bare
minimum a good approach… then I enjoy it.
This leaves little room for God. Now I don’t know about you, but I have
never heard the voice of God honestly. Now in fairness, I fully believe
that everything that has led me to where I am has been God. I use
phrases like, “God led me here!” or “I am glad God showed me this!”,
but it never been an audible voice like as if God is a quarterback
reading off his playlist from His wrist “RED 7! — RED 7! on 2!!” I
most often use the term “God’s Will” usually after or possibly during
but not before something happens.
I was asked one time by my friend Mike Paschall, “Did God tell you to
come on this world race!?” I answered yes. I didn’t lie. I believed
based on past occurrences and happenings that this was the direction I
was going. Never did I hear in a thundering voice from an angel, “Thus
saith the Lord….” or from the Most High Himself “My beloved son this shall come to pass…”
In fact up until now, if I can conclude anything… is that I have
never heard something or will ever hear anything for that matter
anytime soon. Well duhhh I want to!! Double duhh cause I know you do
too. Not in my cards I suppose.
Now please don’t confuse this. I believe in the Mighty hand of Our
Father and have seen miracles, physical and emotional for a long time.
I see phenomenons that happen all the time. Understanding and knowledge
of Gods Will isn’t under my personal category of phenomenons. I guess
this is because I have been going to church and getting saved every
Sunday for I don’t know how many years straight. I haven’t sat through
a church service and after wards been like, “I learned something new
today!”
“I just got motivated and pumped today because of the Spirit!” Honestly
the only things I have learned in church in the past 6 years is the
Greek and Latin translations of words and historical facts about
ancient Israel (and I almost forgot – how to sing the songs and know
all the words – Gold Stars for that!). Seriously! Not kidding. I found
myself wallowing in my own self pride clung to the chairs at Rock
Harbor and tediously enjoying my ‘in front’ role as an usher. How self
righteous and prideful of me? I can’t tell you how many times I have
been saved! In reality I should have only gone there maybe 16 months
before I left to go take on a role somewhere in the community. I
realized church in the Bible was not only not a building but not a
large gathering. Those were called celebrations. Church is a small (12
person) group who makes a covenant with each other to uphold the
personal life of Christ as their goal. If this doesn’t happen, sooner
or later in a large gathering the powerful will make their way to the
top and all the sudden its a mega church that can justify anything at
anytime.
When I preach the gospel I don’t want to turn people into Christians or
even convert them. I want them to see Christ and KNOW Christ…
henceforth laying their life down for His cause.
I am in Atlanta writing this right now. I have for the past few weeks
been serving the poor. Not for a few hours on holiday or even a half
day trip. I am talking about everyday all day. I am talking about not seeing any Rock Harbor-ites or any
resemblence of one. (If you don’t know what RH is… its my church in
Orange County. I am totally not dogging them but generally speaking its
the hottest church around and I do mean the people. It also is a
thriving church… don’t wanna leave that out Mike and Todd haha). I
don’t see anyone or anything that looks like my norm. People keep
calling me crazy… leaving the comforts of Newport Beach to live in a
shabby motel with drug addicts, homosexuals, prostitutes and all the
other people the highway brought in. I love it when the gay addicts with yellow deteriorating teeth come up for food and tell me that “Jesus told me to leave my room and come to the front parking lot for food!” Christ didn’t discriminate who was hungry and needed love and Hope… we do that.
I have been wondering if I am going to cry. I pray to God, “Break my
heart for what breaks Yours!” but haven’t been able to find it. Well I
found it.
I love these faces. I love these people. I love being here. I am more
fulfilled here than anywhere I have ever stepped foot. I have seen
the biggest smiles and the most heartfelt cries of joy when I am out
feeding these people and sharing the Love. By the way I have to mention
this before I go on — I have met 1… only 1 man here in GA who has
proclaimed he doesn’t know God. He wasn’t an atheist. He just didn’t
know who God is. He has some other beliefs. Every single person here
knows God. Why? How does this happen? Is it because they are weak
people and that is just what they are fed by the church? They need a
crutch so this is all they got? Is it their excuse? Is religion just
easier to get to know and feel comfortable in?
Want to know why?
These people actually suffer! They actually have it bad. They have
nothing left. And guess Who’s address is the end of their rope? You
guessed it! You don’t meet anyone down here who has no family or home
or money and DOESN’T cry out for love and compassion. They don’t have the
TIME to be atheist! They only have HOPE!!!
I am telling you right now, I would rather live among the people who
are suffering and know it – then live among the wealthy people… who
don’t know they are wealthy! And yet it is so sad and true when Jesus
says, “It is harder for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle
than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven!” What could be more condemning? I
am flippin rich! Too rich!!
So I am down here living and feeding the poor with a few other crazy
people. We go out and tend to the addicts and the homeless. I don’t cry for
them. They are poor in spirit. They are far away enough from riches (as
a bi-product of their lifestyle) that they can see God and know they
are blessed with life! I cry for America. I cry for the rich. It is they (and me)
who are the furthest from Christ. I see life everywhere around here but
when I go back to California I see enslavement. Even the rich are convinced they are poor… making for a perpetual cycle of endless slavery to money and power.
Now even with all of this my mind still wanders. I still sit here
wondering what the heck God wants from me. I still hope and pray to
hear something. Instead I keep going back to my endless Mother Teresa
quotes and what pops into mind is the one where she talks about trusting God
instead of asking for clarity. Oh yea that one works well on Grant’s
mind. I can totally put a formula to that one.
I have not one clue what I am doing. I am crazy. I am nuts. I don’t
know what I am going to do this month or the next. I will continue to
live day by day and do what I love doing but in all honesty… I don’t
know if I am going on the world race (which we may want to switch the
name by now Seth…people are generally almost mad about the ‘race’
part. [which I know is a great opportunity to start sharing haha]).
I don’t know if funding will come in. Oh yea there is a great topic. So
far I am 3 for 3 not going on trips. First I get turned down from RH
last January 2009, then funding doesn’t come in for WR January, then
only half the money comes in for Haiti… if you want to talk about a
sore subject. I am not going to blame anyone. I blame God only. I
believe it is He who puts it on the hearts of supporters to donate and
that alone. So HE didn’t want me to go.
Does that mean I am not going on the world race… certainly not. If I
had not fully believed that this is what I was called to do — I would not have
gotten here. If I had held back or had not had faith then I would be in
some little room online doing nothing and sulking. Instead I am here,
loving life and seeing the Kingdom at work.
I hope to go on the world race and I hope funds come in. Oh well if
they don’t I am still going to fund raise because of one reason. I
believe there are 2 types of people (there are exceptions).
— There are goers and there are senders. I am going. You are sending.
If you are also going… do not worry about sending. You need to hit up
the senders at the same time I am. They got the moo-la and we got the
Kingdom hearts to spend it.
This was just an update for those who read a lot. And who care a lot
and hopefully love a lot. I am going… are you sending? And if you are
not sending… tell me what your plans for going are! I’d love to see
you out doing something for the Kingdom… glorifying God and all the
while finding out who you are at the same time!
I can stay diligent out here. Pray that I can have strength and energy.
This is by far the most strenuous job I have ever been appointed to as
well as the most rewarding. I reallllly want God to reveal something to
me (although I think He just loves messin with me).
And I really want to see life all over the world. I really want to see
Gods Kingdom all over the world. For some odd reason people think I am
going to be a leader (not sure how they got that inclination). So send me out there so I can come back and do some awesome stuff for God.
So pray for me and pray for those who don’t know they even need prayer.
Also pray that God totally puts on your heart to write a fat check to
my account so I can leave America and go be Christ to the nations…. I
am totally serious on that one haha!
And for my sake… leave some comments people. I need encouragement. I
am being sustained by God alone out here. Skype isn’t enough. Leave a
comment at least so I know SOMEONE reads this entire book of a blog.
Thanks guys. Love you!
P.S. I am filming a lot. You will see some incredible shots and some rad stories!
P.P.S. Here is a pic below from today. 2000
PB&J’s/Sunkist/chips/snacks/candy/bananas and more. Fed close to
300 beautiful Georgian faces today!
-gtm
