Well, the 11-month world race chapter of my lifelong journey is about to come to an end. In one week we leave South Korea for Japan where we’ll have a week long debrief and then most of the squad flys home.
Since my last update, I moved from Mongolia to China where I spent the month in a small town near (debatably in) Tibet. It was an interesting month as we didn’t have a host and there weren’t too many English speakers. Honestly, it was challenging for me. Often I didn’t go out to seek new relationships and love the locals, and I had the same struggle in Mongolia. Without set ministry you really have to be diligent and motivated to go out and find ministry of your own. After so many months on the world race I’ve grown weary and it’s become harder and harder for me to take the initiative.
Thankfully this month in Korea we have a host that has set up defined ministry, which takes the burden of initiation off of me. We’re at a church (sleeping in the sanctuary) helping out with the preschool, the coffee shop they run, and maintenance work around the facilities. The church is in the super nice Gangnam district of Seoul, a stark contrast from the Tibetan town where we spent last month.
But even with set ministry I still have a feeling of weariness. I’ve organized countless weekend adventures over the last 11 months, which has taken a toll on me; every month constantly researching on my own and trying to convince people that they should join in on whatever activity I’ve planned. Living in the structured and hierarchal leadership system on the race is also not easy for someone with a personality like mine. My enneagram type is a maverick challenger, often making it difficult to be told each month where to go, when to go there, what I’m going to do once there, and then have a team leader above me, and a squad leader above them, a squad mentor above them, and more people above that person. Even though I love my leadership team, there is a sense of freedom that is taken away being under them 24/7 for 11 months. There are many other sources of weariness, but I believe most of my weariness comes from my spiritual discouragement. After an 11 month missions trip I still have yet to find satisfaction in God. I find satisfaction in seeking after God, but that’s not enough anymore. I want to find satisfaction and fulfillment in GOD, not just in my seeking after him. I’m not sure what seeking God will look like after this trip.
But there is hope, hope in the absence of hope really. I know that I will never be truly content without God, even if I had the dream job, wife, house, and kids, I would still have a void within me. And it’s because of that void, that knowledge of inevitable discontentment without truth and without God, that I have hope that I will find God, because I have to hope. It’s like Lewis says, every desire that man has exists because there is fulfillment to that desire. There is water for thirst, food for hunger, blanket for cold, and I have to believe that God is there to fill my desire to exist for more than just myself.
So am I glad that I came on this trip? Absolutely. I didn’t learn as much about God as I wanted, but I believe it’s just a step along the path that will eventually lead somewhere worthwhile. I’m not the guy that gets his life turned upside down overnight by a supernatural encounter. I believe I’m the guy who understands that there is more, who understands he doesn’t have it figured out whatsoever, and will slowly move towards God even if the path zig-zags all over the place. Unfortunately at the moment I’m not sure whether I should zig or zag, I’m not sure what to do. I’m weary and thinking about my lack of answers is demoralizing, so pray that I have the strength and courage to press on towards deeper and better things. Pray that God guides me along the zig-zag path and maybe even straightens it a bit. But even in the demoralization that I feel, I don’t feel broken; and I really do believe that brokenness will quickly lead to my first major leap towards godliness. Not sure how I’ll get to brokenness, maybe God does, though I’m sure I’ll still have to choose into it when it does come around.
This year also taught me more about myself that I would have ever learned in a year back home. I can’t pin down the core of what I figured out; maybe it’s just realizing how little I do have figured out. I’ve put more value on emotional based decision-making vs. purely intellectual based decision-making. I’ve realized that sometimes the most efficient way of doing things isn’t actually the most efficient way of doing things. I’ve gotten to know a group of people very well which has changed my world view. I knew before how different we all are, but now I understand that better. I’ve gained more respect for feelers, thought I’m still glad I’m a thinker. Living with so many women has helped me realize what I do and don’t like in a woman’s personality, which will assuredly help me find a wife that compliments me well and, I her well. I’ve learned the value in giving feedback, even when it’s easier to keep your mouth closed. I’ve learned what true hospitality is and after experiencing bold friendliness from strangers, I’ve decided to be bolder in my friendliness. I’ve learned that boldness, when pared with kindness, is rarely a bad decision. Don’t assume the answer is no.
I could probably come up with more that these 11 months have taught me but you get the point, it was worth it and I grew. If you’re reading this and wondering if you should go on the world race, do it. What ever you expect it to be, it won’t be that. At times it will be frustrating, exhausting, boring, and all of the above but it will be worth it in the end.
So what’s next for me? Well, it’s going to be an eventful next several months. Most of the squad is flying back to America in 2 weeks but I’ve decided to stay in Asia for a bit. My sister is meeting me in Japan where we’ll travel for a week before heading to Hong Kong and Bali for another week and a half. Then my sister will fly home to start college at Baylor (congrats Victoria!!!) and I will fly to Kazakhstan where I’ve shipped a motorcycle. The plan is to ride around in Central Asia (Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, and no I’m not just making these names up) for about a month and then head west towards Europe taking the southern rout through Turkey. From there, who knows what’s in store. I plan on being back home by Thanksgiving/Christmas where I’ll start the next stage of my life, work. I’d like to use my engineering degree in a job that constantly allows for change and for me to be me. Let me know if you have any work ideas, I’m open to suggestions.
This will be my last blog post but I will update Facebook with highlights from my motorcycle trip and if you want to meet face to face once I’m back home, don’t hesitate to get in contact even if we don’t know each other well.
Thank you to those who supported me through it all, offering prayer and encouragement when I needed it most. To my mom and dad I am most thankful, but I am truly thankful for the whole group of you who has stayed involved in my journey from stat to finish. You have my sincere, thank you.
Below are the videos I made for my time in Mongolia and the Philippines. If they don’t work, here are the links:
