I made a promise to myself to be honest in my blogs and social media postings, and I intend to adhere to that.
I haven’t done much since landing here. I’ve had 5 free days, and I haven’t had any major breakthroughs since arriving at this yellow house except for the discovery that I was not created to thrive in community. Very few, if any, of my squamates will every read this so I feel very safe in sharing that I’m not doing too great. I ask that you read my next collection of thoughts without pity or sympathy, and allow me to express my heart without trying to problem solve for me.
I’m homesick. I didn’t think I would be, and even internally scoffed at the girls who were. 19 days isn’t that long, and our living conditions aren’t remotely barbaric. “Roughing it” would be a stretch. I recognize all of these things, but I sat in a corner by myself in an air conditioned coffee shop on Saturday and saw a picture of my high school coach leading a post run breakout with the morning sky illuminated in the background and started crying. I’ve been wearing more Texas attire than I have in my entire life because that’s MY place and MY home, regardless of how I feel about tank tops on Christmas or sunburns in January. Having air conditioning and running water and decent food and even wifi doesn’t give me back the people and places and skies I love.
Talking to people who know my heart completely and love me nonetheless makes my heart hurt because I know as soon as I hang up I have to return to a house full of people and still be lonely. Not to mention that my squad has a few girls that are still stuck in a very high school mentality of social hierarchy, but if I even start with that this blog would get me kicked off the race. I hate that I can’t cry anywhere without being touched or bothered or have healing prayed over my tear ducts(you think I’m kidding). I hate that since I’m trying to stay off of wifi I have no one to talk to about the things people say to me or stuff going on in my team without it becoming gossip. I hate that even though God has given me someone on my squad who likes my favorite band and someone else who misses watching football with their family and someone else who can’t wait to get back to southern food, I still feel very alone. I hate that since I live with the nicest people on the planet I have to respond “okay” or “good” a dozen times a day when asked how I am or how my day was, or risk facing a twenty minute talk about my feelings or more shoulder touching or praying.
The last sermon I heard my dad preach before I left was about how it’s okay to not be okay because our God is a comforter. We live in a fallen world full of people that make mistakes, with cruel intentions or otherwise. Currently, I am not okay. Maybe that’ll change within the hour, maybe it’ll be like that for the rest of my time in Cambodia. I know that the gospel is worth all suffering, loneliness, and even heartache, but right now I just really want to be home. Thank you for all of your prayers, I look forward to watching the Lord turn all of this hurt into Kingdom.
-g
