CAN I BE REAL FOR A MINUTE!?
PSA: I’m not perfect.
I’m not even sure how to start this blog… or if I even should yet.
I question, “Should I pray about it first!?” “Will I find some sort of scripture to relate to what I’m about to say?!” & think that this isn’t the blog I’m supposed to be writing. I’m supposed to be updating everyone on the status of my fundraising and reminding them about events and deadlines and how excited I am to start this journey in October.
Well, grab a Kit-Kat & sit back because I’m gonna be real & you might need a break for this one.
While all the above is true, there are times where I literally have to stop & consciously choose to believe that this is what God wants me to do.
As I’ve said before, I keep thinking that this journey starts in October when I leave for 11 months. But no, it started a long time ago… when I was messed up and couldn’t see a way out of the unhappiness that I had come to believe was my life. I look back and wonder how I ever became the person I was a year ago, or even 9-10 months ago. I hate that I hurt people who loved me more than I could ever hope and often wish I could take things back. However, with a turn of events and some major life changes, God started something within me and I set out to become a better person.
I have to say, I’ve grown a lot and changed from who I was then but I’m still not where I need to be, or where I think I need to be. But maybe I’m where God needs me to be. There have been nights where I’ve succumb to temptation that I thought I was strong enough to conquer. There have been nights where I feel like I’m not even a christian, where I’ve lashed out at those closest to me when I should be showing them the love of God instead. How can I go change the world when I can’t even change the situations that are so broken in my own home?! There have been recent nights where the enemy has come in like a flood, brought up memories and emotions that made me feel like…. like my heart literally hurt. No other words can describe it and I didn’t even know I could feel that way.
But for that, I also have to say that I’m okay with my heart being broken. I would rather hurt now than be where I was a year ago. I would rather God build up my heart than let it be the mess it would be if I thought I could do it on my own. The nights that I’ve succumb to temptation, I’ve also risen to see that the enemy is going to do EVERYTHING HE CAN to make me feel worthless & unable to be used – make me feel like God’s calling for my life has somehow changed. But for the grace of God! The nights that I’ve felt like I’m not even a christian, God has opened my eyes to see a new meaning of what it means to be a christian. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about relying on Him, even when we fail. It’s trusting Him in the situations that we can’t change ourselves. & it’s about doing everything we can to show love to every person – no matter who they are or where they’re at. Gay, straight, rich, poor, red, yellow, black, or white. No matter the news, no matter your political agenda. Jesus loves them all & that’s what we’re called to do.
& for the nights that the enemy floods in and my heart feels broken, God comes rushing in like a mighty wind, with love that overcomes my heart like the force of a hurricane.
I say all that to say this – Every time I mess up, all these thoughts go through my mind and I wonder if the race if what I’m supposed to do. BUT I KNOW that when God has plans greater than our wildest imaginations and dreams, satan will do EVERYTHING he can to trip us up and make us think (& really believe) that it’s not what we’re supposed to do. So at times when I feel like giving up, I’m going to press forward. I’m not perfect & I won’t claim to be. Just know I’m trying and I know I’m right where God needs me to be. Please pray with me for renewed strength.
Love you all,
Gracie <3
