So! As you could have probably guessed by the title- I have typhoid! I want to immediately follow that seemingly scary sentence with this one—
I AM GOING TO BE OKAY!
The past 3 days have been physically some of the hardest on the race. I have had sleepless nights. High fevers. Cold sweats. Migraines. Nausea. Diarrhea. Blood tests. Stool tests. Abdominal pains. Chest pain. Body aches. All the things.
I have truthfully never felt worse in my whole 18 years of life.
Monday morning I woke up sweating, exhausted, and feeling defeated. I walked up to the roof to clear my head and hopefully break my fever, and just crumbled. I cried and cried and cried. I kept whispering “Jesus please. Please. I cant do this on my own. Please. Replace the pain with peace.”
And that’s when I realized I had come to a pivotal moment in my faith.
Is Jesus worth it all like I have claimed that He is?
Is He worth being hours away from a qualified hospital? Is He worth being thousands of miles away from my mom, my dad, and all the comforts of home? Is He worth the physical misery I am experiencing due to my choice to live in a third world country?
And in my weepy broken state on the roof that morning, I decided YES.
I had to remind myself that even when everything isn’t going my way. Or I happen to catch Typhoid fever. In the good and the bad- He IS worth it. All.
I believe in moments where it’s so easy to lose sight of how good God is, it’s most important to hold onto your faith white-knuckled and rejoice in all the goodness that is still present.
I make a little checklist in my head:
1. Im still alive.
2. He promises to never leave me or forsake me.
3. I’ll get to hug my mom & dad in Cambodia in 3 weeks.
4. I am surrounded by prayer warriors that will fight for my recovery relentlessly.
5. His mercies are new every morning.
When you choose to focus your gaze on the father and all of His sweet attributes, it becomes so much easier to choose joy in the tough times. In the sickness and the trials. I truly believe it is His desire to lavish a spirit of joy on us amidst pain.
The joy of the Lord is my strength. Is your strength. Is our strength.
This is a lil excerpt from my journal today:
“So! I have typhoid! Woo dang hoo! The first day was horrific. So much pain + fever. As of day 3, i’m at about a 7/10. It’s gotta be only up from here right? Today i’m extra thankful that when the Father created me, He put in me a spirit of joy that cannot be crushed by sickness- physical or home. Or any amount of uncomfortability that comes my way.
The joy of the Lord is MY strength.”
It’s not easy. And i’d go as far as to say it isn’t natural to revert to joy when everything begins to fall apart. But choosing every morning that I wake up sweating and exhausted (thank u typhoid) to put a smile on my face and dwell on the things that are still so good. How He is still so good,Is a testament to the God I serve, and His heart.
In John 18 Judas had just betrayed Jesus and had lead a company of soliders to him to carry out his arrest and lead Him to the cross. Jesus knew the Father. Knew He was good. And knew that suffering was still what He had been instructed to do. Hastily Simon Peter drew his sword and cut off the ear of one of the high priests servants. Then, I imagine Jesus looking over at him with sad eyes and this sweet little smile saying “Peter. Put away your sword! Shall I not drink the cup the father has given me?”. He understood that being inside the Fathers will for your life sometimes means suffering.
My deepest desire is to look more like Jesus everyday. And walk away from this race with a heart that so much resembles my creator.
So if that means I had to get Typhoid and suffer for a week because I chose to come to Cambodia and tell the Khmer people about the God I love- Then so be it. I’d do it a thousand times over if He asked me to.
He never told us this would be easy! But He did promise He’d never leave us! Not even for a moment!
Where He is, There is joy. And where there is joy, There is strength!
PS: I am still really under the weather and would love it if you’d join me in praying complete and quick healing over my body. And that the all traces of bacteria and typhoid would be cast out of my body! I’m on medications to kill all the bacteria and should be good to go in no time at all! Thank you in advance for all the big and bold prayers I know you will pray!
