Hello pals,
For those of you who were not personally made aware (apologies on my part), I officially flew out of Missouri {BY MYSELF—YEE YEE} to head to Gainesville, GA for some training before all of the summer mission trips head out to their respective countries.
My boarding time for my flight was at 7:55 am, so, naturally, I woke up late, stood in the wrong line at the airport for ages, and then finally pushed through security at 7:52. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t anxious and terrified, and thinking about hiding in the bathroom so I would miss my flight to Georgia. But-thanks to much emotional support from my mom, I made it onto the plane!! Praise Jesus! One thing I had noticed while I was sitting at the gate for .2 seconds before I boarded, was a really cute couple with matching jean jackets and Birkenstocks, and thinking “wow. They are adorable. I kinda hate them, and they’re making me really miss my hunny.”….. GUESS WHO ENDED UP SITTING IN THE SAME ROW AS ME THE ENTIRE WAY TO GEORGIA.
The flight was terrifying in itself. I really love traveling, and experiencing new places and I really really love planes, but this was the first time I didn’t have anyone’s hand to dramatically squeeze as we took off and landed. Not to mention, the cute couple from earlier both put headphones in and watched movies the whole way, so I was feeling real lonely. Instead, I just held on real tight to my armrest, put in my headphones, and listened to one of my favorite worship songs right now- “Yes I Will” by Vertical Worship. Happy to report that I made it back to the sweet sweet soil of Georgia right on schedule, which also happened to be 2 hours before I was supposed to meet my team members! I was feeling pretty confident in my abilities after I had found baggage claim, scooped up my pack, and headed to TGIFriday’s for a quick bite. It was then that I really started to spiral into full-blown freak-out-mode. I put my headphones in, Facetimed my mother, and proceeded to sob to her for the next 35ish minutes. Our conversation consisted mostly of me continuously saying “I can’t do this. I was wrong, this is not what I was meant to do. I didn’t hear God right. I know that if this was really what He wanted, I would not be feeling like this.” All the praise to our Heavenly Father for blessing me with such a grounded, loving, STUBBORN mother. She let me say what I needed to, but kept telling me that she was not buying me a ticket home. She was not coming to get me. She was not allowing me to miss out on this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. At the time, I was so angry- at her for not giving in to my pleading for comfort, at myself for thinking I was able to do this, at Austin for not having service to call me in the midst of my fears, and at TGIFriday’s for not properly advertising their chicken strips. Don’t be fooled. They are actually just like teriyaki chicken without the noodles.
Seriously though, that was one of the lowest parts of my life so far. As I was sitting at this table, not eating my chicken {wings, not strips}, crying to my mom, I saw a group of young people in loose pants and chacos with backpacks on, sitting across the way in a circle, smiling and laughing and connecting, and I knew they were also part of The World Race: Semesters. I definitely didn’t jump up to greet them, none of my fears were vanquished, and I didn’t have a sense of belonging that I had expected God to send to me when I was surrounded by ‘my people’. Now, I could add God to my list of people I was irrationally angry with. I finally threw down some cash, picked up my bags, and walked to the determined meeting spot. I met a couple of the girls on my team, and still, felt nothing. I was feeling anxious and terrified and just paralyzed by my situation. I muttered something about going to call my mom, walked away, and began bawling my eyes out in front of a couple TSA workers for seriously at least an hour as I was on the phone with my mom again. She kept asking me “what are you really scared of?” and I just answered like I had before- that I was not meant for this, it would not make that much of a difference if I just came home, and I even asked her if you can split an airplane ticket cost with cash and a card because I was determined to come home. After some very frustrated feedback from my mom, I hung up and went and waited for more of my team members to arrive so I could meet my leader, and inform her that I changed my mind, and I was not going to go through with this trip.
Eventually, all of my team members who were flying in and then shuttling over to training camp like me, showed up, and we did nervous introductions, and I admitted to one of my team members that I was super anxious about this whole thing, and she asked me “well, what are you actually scared of?” man. That was like the Holy Spirit smacked me in the face. If you didn’t catch the connection, that was the exact question my mom had asked me as I was telling her I was coming home literally 20 minutes before this conversation.
Over the next couple of hours, while we waited for our vans to pick us up, I fluctuated between feelings of anxiety and peace. We bussed 2 hours to Gainesville to the headquarters of Adventures in Missions- the people who coordinated this whole trip for us- and I got to meet the last couple of people who drove to camp instead of flying, and I was still thinking of ways to start a conversation with my leader that would end in me being able to gracefully bow out of this trip.
That opportunity never came.
Instead, we ate dinner together, and then immediately went into a time of worship with all 7 other teams present at training camp. man. If you have never been as immersed in worship as some of the folks here, you are missing out on an indescribably profound way to glorify our Lord and Savior. I have no words to explain the emotions that just flowed through me as we stayed in this continuous state of worship for 45 minutes. I wept as we sang the song “Reckless Love”. That was it. That was the message I needed from God telling me that I am exactly where He wants me to be. This worship song that started this whole journey way back in October when I first applied, to now me praising God to it while physically starting this journey. It was just simply amazing. My mom has a screenshot of a message I sent her as we were wrapping up our worship time that says “Update: I can do this.”
How amazing it is that we get to walk intimately with the One who literally spoke us into existence. I’m not going to say after that one instance of peace, that some feelings of anxiety and fear weren’t brought up again, because that is expected. There is a war raging, and Satan does not give up that easily, friends. But when we are constantly living in mission, community, and intimacy with the Lord and other believers, it is much easier to come back from the ledge of impossibility. As I am about to head halfway across the world, I encourage you to have the bravery to reach out, become uncomfy, and find your people. I am so thankful to have the love, support, and confidentiality of my entire team, even though we only met 2.5 days ago. If you don’t have anyone like that in your life right now, if you’re struggling, if you feel like your problems are not worth sharing- PLEASE reach out to me. I would feel honored to pray over you, speak words of life and love and belonging into you, and become that source of spiritual and emotional strength for you. One of my most common sayings I share with my friends who are struggling, is “you can’t fill other’s cups without filling yours first”, and for the first time in a very, VERY long time, I am happy to report that I am taking my own advice, because my Heavenly Father has been eagerly awaiting me to be still and allow him to fill me with His love.
All my love,
Grace
