It’s my fault. I ‘asked for it’. I could have done something more. I could have stopped him. I didn’t do enough. I’m a liar. I don’t really remember what happened. I’m the girl who let him get away.
These are just a few of the lies I’ve sat in for months. From time to time I let the thoughts slip away. I allow myself to forget. I allow myself to put this event in the box at the back of my mind. Back to its home for the past 8 years. In that box, it can’t hurt me. In that box, I can pretend it never happened.
For many, the first time you have sex is meant to be a magical experience as the movies lead you to believe. For some, it’s portrayed as comically awkward and messy. For those who want to honor God, they see it as a beautiful gift within the sanctity of marriage. For me, I loved the idea of saving myself for marriage, but saw myself quickly slip away from that ideal.
Whatever I believed, in the end it wasn’t my decision to make. I had no say in the matter.
For years I ignored the truth. I held onto my comically awkward and messy ‘first time’ years after. I allowed for the shame of the truth to darken that corner of my past. I locked it up with all the lies. The lies that kept me silent. The lies that kept me from ever having a chance to heal.
But, like Joseph, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20
It hurts, but it does not define me. It can pull me down, but it will not defeat me. It breaks my heart, but my God holds me in the palm of His hands and is greater than anything that could ever happen to me.
My Lord, My Heavenly Father speaks truth into my past, into my future, into my whole life. My God never wants me to sit in the darkness. My God wants me to be a child of light. My God wants me to lay down my burdens at His feet and never pick them back up. My God has cast my sin and shame as far as the east is from the west. My God has made me clean in His sight. My God looks at me and can see nothing but a reflection of His beloved son, Jesus.
