Testimony: evidence or proof of something
For Christians, our testimony is the evidence or proof of God in our lives. It’s our life story, but with the addition of how we came to salvation through Christ. It consists of our darkest struggles and our highest triumphs. It’s ongoing. It’s unique. And to there is power in telling it.
Through out my life as a Christian I’ve told versions of my testimony. Depending on the audience, it more often than not consisted of, “I grew up a Christian. Prayed to receive Christ at age 5. Life can be kind of tough, but here I am”. Short and sweet and in no means revealing any of the darkness in my life.
That testimony was true for a time, but as I continued to grow I allowed myself to sweep darkness under the rug. By not bringing the darkness in my life to light, I allowed for an entirely different testimony to take shape. As each year went by I swept alcoholism under the rug. I swept sexual sin under the rug. I swept sexual assault under the rug. In my opinion, at least I wasn’t as bad as the next person, right?
About six months ago I was in the Dominican Republic. My team sat around me in quiet anticipation as they waited for me to tell them my testimony. With the knowledge that there is power in my testimony I spoke. For the first time in my life I shed light on the darkness… all of it. Even the bits that I don’t dare write here.
When I finished someone asked me the question of whether or not I’d tell my parents, which I immediately responded with a solid, “Hell… No…”. As soon as the words had left my mouth I knew I needed to tell my parents, which is just about one of the most terrifying things I could think of.
Over the coming months I experienced God working in my heart. Preparing me, strengthening me, giving me courage where I had none. I knew that the only guilt or shame I held over my testimony was that I always knew my parents raised me better. I looked at my testimony and saw it as something that would bring my parents down. Would cause them to think what they could have done differently. Break their heart. I wanted to protect them.
I am not my parents’ protector. That responsibility lay in the hands of my Heavenly Father. He calls us to bring light to the darkness and it’s as if the last bit of darkness I was holding onto was that my parents didn’t know.
Last month I was in Thailand with my parents. I sat in a darkened room on a couch with my parents on either side of me. I closed my eyes and through more tears than I can count I sat there and told them my testimony best I could. I didn’t open my eyes again until everything they needed to hear was spoken.
My mom hugged me and they told me how much they love me. They told me they already figured a lot of it out for themselves. They were sad for the things I had been through. They said all the things that should have encouraged me. They should have been the words that made me feel safe, feel loved and for some reason I couldn’t figure out why I felt so frustrated by their reactions.
The next day I woke up just as frustrated and caught myself crying again. As my mom tried to sort out what was wrong, I felt this heat rush over me as I put it all together.
Their love for me is the first time in my life I have tangibly felt the love of Jesus for me. Even though they already had an idea of what I had done and the things I had been through, they love me. Even though I felt like I had shamed them with the things that had happened in my life, they love me. Even though they know there will be times in the future when I will fall again, they love me. No matter what I do, the love me. They love me like Jesus loves me!
I will never be able to put into words how momentous this was. I don’t know where to begin in explaining how I will come back to this moment for the rest of my life. All I can do is tell you what I know to be true.
God promises we will experience His love for us and on that morning He fulfilled His promise to me. God desires to be in relationship with His creation so incredibly much that He sent His only Son to be the perfect sacrifice that would bring us back into unity with Him. God no longer looks at us and sees all the sins that we’ve committed, but instead He looks at us and sees His Son. He looks at us and sees Jesus. There is nothing you have done, are doing, or will ever do that will separate you from the love of your Creator.
As hard as you may try. As hard as you may deny it. As hard as you want to ignore Him. He will always be right at your front door just waiting to be invited in. Once you do that, once you invite Him in He will never leave you or forsake you. He promises His love for us and you can guarantee you will experience it.
“But God proves His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:37-39
