As I write this blog it has been a total of 5 days. Let me be clear… I don’t love India yet. It takes me a lil’ while to fall in love with a place as a whole. However, as I sit and reflect in my little blue metal bunk bed I already love many things and I am thankful that God has placed me here. Tonight was one of the first nights where I truly felt glad to be in this place. Today, I was nauseous and my team told me to take the day to rest. I felt guilty because I knew I could push through for ministry but would be miserable. Yet, I knew that the rest would help my condition all together as, this time last week I was in the hospital for a bacterial infection.
I stayed in my bed and slept… all day. I got a few messages from people back home about how they were doing and how great things were. One person, I had been praying for since my time in Africa had messaged me and began telling me how his relationship with the Lord has changed and grown so much since I had left in September. A literal prayer answered! Yet, when this old friend asked me how things were going on my gap year I couldn’t help but feel as if I needed to weep. I am struggling. I’m exhausted and I miss the comforts of home. I miss feeling known and wanted. I often daydream of all of the things I‘ll do when I get home. All the ways I’ll be better. Yet, that doesn’t change the fact that I am in the middle of absolutely nowhere India taking a gap year getting to focus on my relationship with God, yet… I’m sad. I hate it. I haven’t written in what feels like weeks. I’m feeling uninspired and unworthy. I’m feeling like I’m not making a difference at all. I hate it and I hate that I feel that way sometimes.
Tonight as I put my plate in the bin after dinner and went to the open air kitchen to talk with our cooks and they knew my name. My name… out of the 50 people here and only 5 days. I didn’t remember their names. I sat and laughed. I tried pronouncing different words and phrases in their native language. As I sat by that fire I felt comfort knowing that this place could become my home again. That the Lord had placed me with these people for something specific. As I was walking down and went to grab my wallet I saw a note left on my chair. A drawing made by of the cook’s daughter. Scribbled on the colorful pages was the phrase “I LOVE GRAC.” I’ll take that as a sign. Thanks, God.
So, I’m learning to love this place. I’m learning that this is a point in my race where I can choose to either coast or wake up and embrace the rest of the time. Sure, I miss my family. I miss my mom, my stepdad, my dad, my stepmom, my grandmother, my brother, my …. You name it… I miss it and them. Yet, I know that God isn’t finished yet with my story. So, I’m choosing. I’m choosing to give myself grace when I have hard days with my depression. I’m going to accept the fact that it’s a disease but IT IS NOT ME. I’m going to choose in and choose him. To wake up and see that the Creator of ALL wanted ME…. ME TO BE HERE FOR A REASON.
I may not know the reason yet. I may not know why I’m with the people I am or why I’m still waiting for answers for prayers… However, I do know that I can be expectant. I’m expectant that my God will show up and blow my mind like he always does when I try to scramble something together in the mess. I have faith that this season is going to be so fruitful. Challenging, exhausting, but fruitful.
So here’s a list of what I love about India… so far:
This village and community we are in!
The bakery down the street from our house.
The people who cook for us every day and always welcome my silly presence in a kitchen.
The meal tent… colors… so many colors!
Milk tea.
A bed.
The seclusion of this spot and that we are away from the busyness of city life.
The mountains.
No, but really… the mountains.
The quiet.
The ministry.
The opportunities.
The people.
My friends, family, and dear readers, I have hit my wall. I cannot physically, emotionally, or spiritually do the rest of this on my own. This is the point where I have to literally let go of the steering wheel but just hit the gas and let him drive. I know that breakthrough is coming. I know my God is faithful. Prayer is always needed. So keep me, my team, my squad, and this country in your prayers.
I would love, hear what God is walking you through right now, or any praises. Message me, comment, or email me.
With blessings, love, messy hair, a cup of instant coffee mixed with milk tea, a spirit in progress, and a girl full of the Father’s love,
Grace Davis.
