Hi, long time no see. I apologize for the lack of blogs the past month or so. Truthfully, I’ve been in a creative funk. Still am, if I’m being open and vulnerable here. I just haven’t felt like myself or that my writing was coming from a place of overflow from the holy spirit. I haven’t known what to say or what to share. Instead of trying to pretend, the next few blogs, I’m just gonna write. Share stories, struggles, and in-between. I’ve got 44 days left with this blog, so I might as well put this thing to good use.
So, I call this blog series “Questioning.”
QUESTION 1 :
What does the next chapter hold for me? Where am I supposed to be? Is college for me? Am I called to full term ministry? What does he want me to do, to glorify and spread his name?
These questions have been stalking me and my thought processes for a few months now, and especially in this last month. It was always my plan to go to school. My entire life I was the girl that had been told: “college was made for you!” I put my hope and trust in that. I had plans. My plans had plans. I wanted to Create a life better than the one I had. I wanted to control and no surprises. Life following a divorce usually puts a dim on the way we think and hope. Well, I adjusted my plans after setbacks and some cliché heartbreaks. College was still my plan. Always was. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to be known. I wanted to prove to the world, the ones who had hurt me, and myself that I was good enough and that I would do well in the “real world.”
God has a funny way of showing up when we call upon his name. I love that about our God. He is most certainly not a deaf God. When my teenage heart broke in November of 2017, I was crushed… yet, the pain didn’t feel purposeless. I knew without the distraction and the god that I had created out of an earthly relationship, I had nothing else; I had nothing left inside of me and I knew that only Abba could mend together the years of hurt that I had merely used a cheap glue stick on. That he did… he mended me and still is. Dreams that I had pushed back and ignored because of fear and idolization were brought to fruition: A GAP YEAR. College was still the plan, just one year later, and I would be a completely different person when attending. Man, don’t tell me that God doesn’t have a sense of humor.
Now, only 42* days left on the mission field in my gap year, I can’t help but contemplate what the future holds. I deferred my admission for The University of Kentucky during my senior year to ensure that while on the mission field I wouldn’t;t have to stress or worry about the applying process. Now, the past month and a half ha been big for our squad as a whole. Many getting the acceptance of their dreams to their perfect school. Others being accepted into programs that bring revival to college campuses. Others, internships in Greece to work with refugees.
Me?
Well, that’s what I’ve been walking through and questioning. I have this fear that everyone expects me to do something absolutely incredible after doing this trip. I’m scared that after I get home and get back to the life I left that the sparkle will leave and people won’t care about me the same way, if at all. I’m scared of ordinary and not fulfilling potential. I’m scared of never being used. I’m terrified of never truly being known or understood.
The truth what I’ve realized during this time of questioning is that I don’t have to have all the answers. I can have soft plans that are willing to be interrupted by something that God wants from me.No matter where I go, or what I do… if I’m trusting and abiding, he will use me. It doesn’t matter the location. Nsoko, Swaziland or Lexington, Kentucky; God is bigger and better than the box of location that we often put around him. Why is that? Why, do we make the Creator so much smaller than he actually is? Personally, this is something sneaky that the enemy does when using one of his best alliances: fear and uncertainty. Fear tells us that if we make the wrong choice we cannot be used, and uncertainty just adds to the semantics of the chaotic conversation happening inside of us. I think we’re all guilty of that. Being too scared that we’ll make the wrong choice or that “it might not be God’s will.” Ultimately, God is gonna get you to where he wants you… and me. It doesn’t matter if we happen to take some pit stops along the way. He’s still gonna honor us and our hearts as we stepped out in faith. God takes care of his children.
Someone this past month told me that God can’t use something that’s stationary. That truth continues to play over and over in my head and heart. That’s so true, though. If we’re too paralyzed with fear to even move then how are we supposed o get to the incredible things God has in store for us to bring his kingdom?? I never want to be stationary when it comes to my faith and the way I pursue bringing his kingdom. I NEVER WANT TO BE TOO BUSY TO REMEMBER the good deeds of our Heavenly Father.
College. The University of Kentucky. Arts Administration major with a minor in Creative Writing. Eventually making. The transition into Christian nonprofits. Restore my Grandmother’s historic farmhouse into my own, etc. Plans…. When just writing some of these plans out it all feels so silly. There is so much uncertainty when it comes to my future and what life looks like because truly, I am accepting that this life is not my own. This life is all for radically loving, living out the gospel, spreading truth, bringing freedom, and being the church. That’s what we’re all called to do. Now, my life may not be nearly as exciting as some of my peers. I may never be a doctor or a senior. I may never be a college cheerleader or Instagram famous. I’m just Grace. Elizabeth Grace Pearl Davis, and as of right now, I know that God is x=calling me to the University of Kentucky. Maybe it’s not as exciting as living in Africa… or, maybe it will be because I’m getting to walk out the things I’ve learned. God uses the big, but man, oh, man, he uses the small. He uses random and gentle smiles when you walk down the street. He uses the “how are you doing?” To the cashier. God is not just a God of huge and miraculous, he’s a God of the small and meticulous. So, my plan… my plan is to have open hands and an open heart, and spirit for whatever God is calling me into. I know that I’m not finished with international missions. My time on the mission field doesn’t end when I hop on my final flight back home from the race. The mission field is at home. It’s everywhere we set our feet.
Now, I’m not saying that I’ve stopped dreaming or imagining the possibilities of what I could do. I’m not saying that I’ve given up. No, no, no. Far from that! I’ve simply just let go of being stuck in a box with fear when it comes to the future. Instead, I’m allowing God to take me wherever he wants me to and continuing to ask him about the things set on my heart. I’ve got dreams, y’ all. LOTS. I want to bring so much into this world. I want to create. I want to use my voice. I want to serve. I know that God doesn’t just give us these random dreams and desires for no reason. I believe that he’ll use this… if I let him and take action. That is something that I’ve seen while being alive for 19 short years. We forget to dream… why??? Fear. Fear stops us every time. The fear of failure. The fear of rejection. I could go on and on. Some of the people I love most in this world have forgotten what it means to dream. I don’t use want to just be a cliche and be the young 19 nineteen-year-old with a nose ring wanting to bring change to the world. No. I want all of us to dream. I want the housewife at home to have her heart broken for illiteracy in America. I want the accountant who spends his weekends at the golf course to feel conflicted for the increasing rate of fatherless families. I want us to see the sparks and the dreams inside of all of us aren’t pointless… they’re powerful and poignant. They carry weight and chances are God is calling us into something. I hope, that I never forget to dream. I hope that my heart never becomes numb and stale to the injustices, tragedies, and brokenness that our world has. I pray that you never do either.
My Prayer for Question 1:
God, Abba, Healer, Savior, Holy Spirit, Yahweh, Protector, Jesus, Papa, Alpha, Omega, Comforter, Friend, Father,
I’m unsure. I’m scared of what the future holds. I know that you have plans that are greater than any of mine. God, help me to see more and more that this life isn’t mine. Let me see that you created me for a specific reason and purpose. I want to see that you designed me for something for your kingdom. Let me not fall into the trap that the enemy sets with the comparison. Let me celebrate the accomplishments of my brothers and sisters; they are not my competition, they’re my allies when it comes to bringing your love and truth. Let me see the magic in the “mundane.” Let me seek joy in the unknown and laugh at the thought of the future because I know that I am taken care of. Let me walk in bold confidence of my future. Thank you, Father, for the gifts you’ve given me. Thank you for stretching me and growing me in this time of changes. Thank you for not giving up on me and seeing me as worthy. Thank you for the doors you’ll open for me back home, at Lexington, and wherever these size 7’s are set. Your love and mercy are so much more than I deserve. Thank you for this life and this season, and the seasons to come. God, I trust you. I trust you enough to let go of control and let you have it; I surrender expectations and praise you in the Instagram worthy moments and the tear shedding ones. I know you are going to move and work, thank you for being a God that is faithful. I’m excited God! Help me to dream big and to take action but doing it in a way that is ultimately glorifying and obedient to you. Thank you for setting the things on my heart that you have. Thank you for creating me to dream. I’m expectant what you’ll do in my heart and through me, big things are coming… even if they’re small in the world’s eyes. Thank you, Papa.
I love you,
Your daughter, servant, creation, redeemed, bride, child, and friend,
Grace.
Thanks for reading and processing with me!
My challenge to you is to talk to God today and this week and ask him if you need to surrender any plans or expectations. I challenge you to dream big this week, and ask God to give you the vision to make it more than just a dream and ask him how he wants his kingdom brought through that. I challenge you to encourage and congratulate the person that you might envy when it comes to success or other areas that the enemy has made you harbor bitterness towards. I challenge you to stop and breathe and remember that it is okay to not know all of the answers and that the maker has already gone before you.
With love, a questioning mind, a cup of REAL and authentic Guatemalan coffee, thrifted clothes from a paca, unruly hair, and a ready heart,
Grace Davis.
