For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be different than from what I am.
It’s exhausting. I have this innate and unexplainable desire with wanting to prove myself to anyone I come into contact with. I have this uncontrollable discontentment with myself.
Gosh, am I tired. ?
This was placed heavy on my heart and mind a couple nights ago. I was laying on a Disney World towel at the beach, on a Saturday night at 9:45, looking up at the stars, listening to annoyingly obscure indie bands, and crying. I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed at first. I had to turn off the music and just sit and be still. I was overthinking and having one of my moments. When I say “moments” I believe these to be the beginning stages of a panic attack. Nothing too dramatic or anything… I just am starting to know myself. Usually, these “moments” are triggered by something, and this one was triggered by my overthinking, old memories, and the explore page on Instagram.
In this process of laying and looking up at the stars and feeling utterly alone, I was taught some lessons.
I learned that when thinking of what Instagram picture I should post from the past two weeks, that I had this desire to prove myself.
WHY ???????????????????????????????????????????
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Again, I ask…
WHY ??????????????????
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Then, the father started hitting me with some truth bombs of why I felt so alone while sitting on Mickey Mouse and Minnie on a Saturday night: I can’t earn his love.
I think this is hard for me because when it comes to growing closer to God, there isn’t a step by step process. It is fluid and looks different for everyone. This is difficult for me because I’ve always been the girl that usually can win people over. I love people! I love connecting with them and knowing that they are pleased with me. I think enjoy feeling some type of control knowing when I can get people to like me because it makes me feel like I’m worth something.
God was telling me that this was going to be a journey and that surrendering isn’t easy. HAHAHAHHAHAHAH.
I thought I got out of this easy. (JK, I know that this is just the beginning.) So, honestly… am I suddenly cured of not feeling like I have to prove myself to others and try to be something that I’m not…
No.
I didn’t fix it with only a couple of 30-minute sittings. However, these 30-minute sittings have given me hope.
Hope that:?
He is working in me.
He loves me.
He will always love me.
I am learning to love who I am and who I’m changing and progressing into.
I am not alone.
I was made specifically for a reason.
I am walking in a season of singlehood but one of servanthood as well.
He knows my heart and my desires, but I have to trust him and his timing.
He is helping and redeeming, but I’ve got to keep him at the center of it all.
He will bless me but it may not be exactly on my timeline.
I don’t have to pretend anymore.
Truthfully, this is hard.
Yet, I’m trusting that all of the pain I’ve endured is for a purpose and that he can work through me, my pain, and past.
So, if you don’t feel good enough, cool enough, or like you’re not making a difference at all…
You aren’t alone, I feel that way, too.
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I can’t talk my way into his heart and his love… thank goodness for that.
I would never be able to smooth talk my way into a love like this.
I’m thankful I can’t earn his love even though I grow impatient or frustrated because I can’t figure him out. I realize that if I could figure out the creator of the universe in a half hour, then I’d be highly disappointed. I have placed barriers and perimeters around who I thought Abba was. I’m learning that this season is a season of me truly discovering who the Father is and who I am/ who he says I am, and learning and accepting the true meaning of my name.
Just trying to do this all with patience, love,
grace(lol), and a good sense of humor.
I love you all… and I still don’t have it all figured out.
Grace.
