My team will tell you that I struggle to walk in vulnerability. They learned that pretty quickly during training camp when we were asked to open up about the pain we have experienced in life, and when it came time for me to share I literally started full-on ugly crying about nothing. I didn’t have any pain to share with them, but the mere thought of having to open up like that was so emotionally overwhelming that all I could do was lay face down on the hard cement ground and sob. Being vulnerable is terrifying and awkward and humiliating. But it is also so good. Vulnerability empowers us to love deeper and grow stronger. It brings healing and gives life. It can bring us into a place of abandonment—where we can be totally honest… where we can leave behind our baggage and open up space in our lives for God to do good works in.
Luckily I’ve been in a “trying new things” kind of mood lately. In the past month alone I have picked up water coloring as a hobby, developed a fondness for the once-loathed coffee beverage, and tried my hand at photography. So here’s to stepping way outside my comfort zone and trying new things—one small attempt at embracing vulnerability:
If there is one person in the bible I can relate to in this moment, it’s got to be Moses. And I’m not talking about the Moses that courageously leads the Israelites out of Egypt and delivers them from bondage that we all know so well. I am talking about the Moses that comes before the Lord when entrusted with the responsibility to lead the people of Israel, and asks, “Who am I that I should go?”, who worries, “they will not believe me or listen to my voice”, and who argues “I am not eloquent… I am slow of speech and tongue”.
Moses was filled with fear and thoughts of inadequacy. And I completely understand him.
Fear and inadequacy are feelings I know very well, and have shown up a number of times this year. I have felt inadequate because I am younger, and less spiritually mature than my squadmates, and lack gifts that they strive in. I have been fearful because I’m laying aside my own plans and comforts to walk into the unknown. But most of all I feel fear and inadequacy because of the challenge that comes with socializing and speaking for me.
As someone who falls on the introvert side of the personality spectrum, being in social situations has never felt natural or comfortable to me. But even more so than being introverted, social interactions give me anxiety. Yeah, I mean overheating body, sweating, clamminess, restlessness, that ball in the back of your throat feeling, rapid and irregular heartbeats, physical nausea, difficulty forming words etc. Anxiety comes and goes, some days nonexistent and other days all-consuming.
The most noticeable physical manifestation of my anxiety is my difficulty forming words. I have so many thoughts floating around up here, but during conversation my brain gets overwhelmed and tries to process everything all at once. As a result it creates a bottleneck effect with my mind—essentially a disconnect between my brain and my mouth that sometimes physically prevents me from being able to form words or sentences. So to avoid both embarrassment and anxiety I prefer to just sit and listen. I don’t step out in boldness.
Lord, how am I going to be able to share my story with others, preach in front of large groups, or be a leader this year if my words are few and far between and lacking eloquence? I fear how others will receive me.
But this is the Lord’s response to Moses:
I will be with you.
Who has made man’s mouth?
Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind?
Is it not I, the LORD?
Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and teach you what you shall speak.
Dang.
Talk about a heart check guys.
A little personal evaluation revealed that my self-estimate is obsessively focused on myself. Refusing to deem myself to be a sufficiently worthy or equipped person is not humility. It is pride. It is focusing on my own strengths, abilities, and achievements and dismissing the fact that I am not going on this trip alone. I am going on this journey with the same God that spoke the universe into existence. If I depend on my own power I will fail epically. But the power of the Holy Spirit dwells in me, and it is Him who gives me strength and courage to do challenging things. So if He can form galaxies with the vapor of His breath then He can use a quiet Portland girl to be a leader and to disciple others.
God’s great commission doesn’t have many qualifiers—just that we believe in the truth of the Gospel. In fact, He is in the business of raising up the most unlikely individuals to be beacons of truth, hope, mercy and salvation.
God has called me to this place. He has called me significant. And He is with me. My confidence is not in myself, but in Him. So now I am putting to death my fears and thoughts of inadequacy and embarking on this great adventure.
Here we go.
Next Stop: Los Andes, Chile
…
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
