The waters are rough this season. I look ahead with trepidation. I hear the call. “Come out among the waves” I look back at all the people I’ve worn for life vests and my heart stings with the knowledge of what I’m about to endure. Even still, there’s something peaceful in the terror. My mind defies my heart as slowly the tide reaches my toes. The water is as cold as it is rejuvenating. My heart pounds with each step. Soon I won’t be able to reach the bottom. Soon my eyes will no longer see the orange color of my life lines. Thoughts of the tight hugs of the vests that make me feel safe flash through my mind as the powerful curves of the water begin to toss me back and forth. The voice calling me deeper goes quiet as the roar of the frigid sea is all I seem to hear. I’ve been swimming for awhile now, trying to keep my head above water. My legs burn equal to my lungs. Suddenly I’m taken under. Instincts tell me to panic. I’m out in these deadly waves alone with only myself to save. I open my eyes in hopes of getting some direction. I want to see where I am instead of being blindly led by what I feel is happening to me. My heart rate slows as I see a hand reaching out above me. I grab hold with both hands and feel the rush of the water as I’m pulled upward. I fill my lungs with air as soon as we surface. The sunlight never so appreciated and the breeze never more welcome. I gain my bearings and look around amazed at what I see. The familiar faces of my life lines left on shore are clinging to the same hand that saved my drowning soul. If any of us let go, we will fall right back into the cruel blue deep below. Comfort and peace sweeps over me as I realize we hold the same hand. We fight the same fight. We trust the same God. We are not alone. We are together with Him.
I write this while sitting in “the cafe with no name” in Kathmandu, Nepal. Turning right, left, right, left down the busy streets near our hostel. My last turn is down this tiny street where even moto’s aren’t allowed. I am greeted by Yan-ke with a smile and “namaste”. I order a hot tea and sit in one of the many empty tables. Debrief is almost over and it’s been a whirlwind. A good whirlwind, but a whirlwind nonetheless. I reflect on my time in India and think about what to share. This writing is what came to me and in a way explains a lot of my month.
This season, in the short time that I’ve stepped into it has been one that has not been easy. I knew that going into it and felt as prepared as I could have been for the next six months. The squad that I have the privilege of leading is full of incredible people. They are men and women who are running after God and my heart can’t contain the love He has given me for them. Words can’t express how grateful I am to be walking with them on their own journey similar to the one that has changed the course of my life forever.
Funny thing though, my life is still on the course of being changed. I’m hoping it never stops. But with that comes some learning. With that learning comes some failure. Then, with that failure comes the change. So here is my story of growth this month. At least some of it.
“Approach each day as if you have something new to learn. Your task is not to begin in a noble place, but to end up in one.”
At the beginning of October I started reading this book called “Resilience”. It’s both brutally honest and straightforward. It leaves no room for excuses to live a life less than excellent. A lot of this has to do with taking ownership of your life and your emotions. Little did I know the timeliness of what I was reading.
Through the course of some really good friends and a whole lot of conviction, I had to come to terms with some hard realizations. I have not been taking ownership of who I am and the emotions I have. Instead, I’ve allowed my circumstances dictate who I am and my feeling to decide my actions. I’ve depended on the people around my to determine how I feel. I’ve become unglued time after time when not receiving the affirmation I need from others telling me that I’m needed in their life. I haven’t walked a season of my life without out someone by my side encouraging me & being my place of security.
Don’t get me wrong, this is actually an incredible blessing. I am forever grateful for the people God has placed in my life. But the truth is, when I feel like I can’t survive without them is when this pattern becomes toxic. I begin to idolize the friendship over the God who gave it to me and it directly effects my relationship with Him. He has given me those people to be a place of safety and love. But they aren’t mine. They are His. I can’t possibly hold on to them and Him. You can only hold God with two hands.
I didn’t realize how deep my dependency on others went until my emotions directly defied the person that I know I am. My desperate desire to be validated manifested in co-dependency and confusion of the woman that I claim to be. “The way you act will shape the way you feel.” I had been living this the other way around my entire life. The way I felt shaped the way I acted which in turn told me who I was. I have used people to fill a space that wasn’t their responsibility to fill. I have given others the power to control my feelings and what I believed about myself. I allowed my emotions to control my perception of reality and after 23 years, it’s become pretty skewed. Thankfully, in taking ownership, the opposite is true. “If you want to feel differently, act differently.” I am learning to take action based on who I am and allow my feelings to follow.
I think there is a certain level of fear that comes in sharing this. Maybe the fear of seeming weak, or feeling somewhat exposed. But I think there is power behind being able to unashamedly speak out a struggle and move past it. In no way do I have this perfected and gosh, I know there is still so much that God is going to show me through this.
“The aim in life is not to avoid struggles, but to have the right ones; not to avoid worry, but care about the right things; not to live without fear, but to confront worthy fears with force and passion.”
So that has been my month. Answering God’s call to “come out among the waves”. To a place where my heart truly can only depend on Him. To live with open hands and a heart of surrender. To live a life of resilience and take ownership of who I am in Christ. To do the hard things and take actions based on who I am and want to be, not how I feel.
I am a woman who is holding tight with both hands to her Heavenly Father. I am out among the waves, fighting to go deeper and watching in awe of the ways He satisfies more than I ever could have imagined.
I am strong.
I am courageous.
I am free.
I am loved.
I am HIS.
