So sometimes you may have thought myself or another missionary is just super duper spiritual and amazing.
And I have some amazing moments, but I’m just a regular human. In fact, I even make mistakes. A lot of mistakes.
Sometimes it’s things that seem small like calling someone the wrong name or mispronouncing their name, dropping an egg on the floor, letting other people get me frustrated easily, or speaking a bit too harshly.
Other times it’s more serious. Here are just a few examples. Some things said in the Philippines hurt me, but instead of talking to the people about it I kept my feelings all bottled up instead. Which is not healthy. I do not recommend me that one.
Also during our first days at El Shaddai I felt I had to make a choice between the squad/Dream Team and the people of El Shaddai, so instead of trying to balance my time better I just spent almost all my time up with the people of El Shaddai. This obviously did not help me get close to my new team or any of my other squad mates.
One of the squad leaders challenged me to make a schedule to spend time with both groups. I knew things needed to change, so I did. And I still felt conflicted, and sometimes I felt like I was wasting my time being in the squad’s area when I could be doing something more important that came more naturally to me. The schedule helped, because I had planned in advance where I would eat what meals each day. It was good, because I didn’t have to worry or try to decide in the moment. When I actually spent some more time around the squad, I got to have some good chats and fun times with some of my squad mates. I finally talked about how some things that were said in the Philippines made me feel, which ended up going much better than I thought it would. And when I actually chose in to my team and was more than just physically present during team time, things were kinda awesome. I definitely felt more a part of the group, and I wanted to be a part of it.
And sometimes mistakes are even more serious. I broke one of the ministries important rules. I had good intentions, but my intent didn’t change the fact I messed up. And this mess up led to some complications. Sorry I can’t really go into details.
Anyway I felt crushing guilt for my mistake. I cried a few times about it. But I couldn’t figure out how to talk to anyone about it. So when it was brought to the light (due to those complications I mentioned) I was ashamed and grateful. Talking about it and dealing with it actually helped.
And while I was struggling, I remembered when I made a smaller mistake. I was helping get the food ready to put on the tables for the children, and when I picked up a plate I spilled a bunch of rice on the floor. I froze. I felt real bad. And then one of the boys said, “Don’t cry. It was only a mistake. It’s okay.” And then we continued getting the food ready.
Sorry if this seems weird or choppy, but I do have a couple points.
1. I am not anywhere near perfect. I am no better than you or any other human.
2. Making the mistakes I’ve talked about has helped me. Crazy right? But making mistakes has humbled me and helped me grow. I have learned an important lesson, and if I have a problem in the future I know I can talk to my squad leaders or team mates about it without being judged. And I’m learning that an important part of moving forward is giving oneself grace and trying again. So now I have forgiven myself and accepted God’s forgiveness. Now I am moving forward better.
Hope this helps somebody out there. And remember no one can do anything to separate them self from God’s love or from the possibility of redemption.
Much love! 😉
