Hmmm. I'm not good at "about me" sections. Because it's not about me. It never was, never will be. I spent most years thinking that it was. Convinced of it, actually. Selfish. Manipulative. Sometimes I do think that way and act that way. But He's faithful. He's changing me.
So let me try this. How did I get to where I am now?
I love my parents. They raised me in church, they taught me about Jesus, they loved me well. For that I am so thankful.
They sent me to a Christian atheltic camp that changed my life– it's where I accepted Christ as a kid, and where I decided to follow Him as a teenager. Where my dad's ashes were spread when cancer took him from this world too early. He was 44, I had just turned 15. That's a fragile age for a girl to lose her daddy. Anytime is hard. And maybe I'm just biased, but I think 15 is even harder. It showed. I rebelled, turned against my Big Daddy for taking my earthly one. Sought male affection. Ignored the longing in my heart for both of my daddies and tried to fill that gap myself. Camp is where I "knew" I'd spend my life. I was 11 when I told the women's director that I was going to have her job one day. I never doubted that. Until the day that it no longer became an option. It was the summer after my freshman year of college. I had gone to work at camp as a counselor– which lined up perfectly with the plan. What did not line up with the plan was the director telling us that summer was to be the last for my beloved camp. The economy had won out. 2008 would be the last summer for me to remain the person that I had always been.
Then everything changed.
That fall, the Lord called me to Africa. I went the following summer, for 3 months to serve at an orphanage in Uganda, not having a clue as to what I was doing. I had never been on a mission trip and had never left the country. I knew I would come back different. But I didn't realize how different. Part of me died in Uganda that summer, buried deep in that red clay.
The part of me that was comfortable and thought life was easy. The part that assumed MY life was going to be easy. Ignorance is bliss, isn't that what they say? And it's true. 147 million orphans is only an overwhelming statistic until you know their stories. Their faces. Their names. Jacob. George. Fazira. AIDS is only a scary disease until you know those that suffer. Bobby. Isabelle. And those that die from the disease. Shamim. Kevin. Malnutrition is only the sad lack of food- killing thousands of people every day until you know them. Betty. Enoch. Zak.
And that was it. I was done with who I had been up until that point. Forever changed. My heart replaced by one in the shape of Africa- one that beat the name of a child who never left my mind. Fully aware of the calling of my life– to care for the orphan. I came back and forced strained relationships with people who did not understand. I struggled. I got depressed. I told God that I never wanted to go back to Uganda. Not if it hurt so much. He has sent me back three more times since then. And I can never get enough. I truly believe I'll die there. It's what I want. My life and ministry to be so intertwined that I never retire.. Never finish.
But He's not letting me go there yet. First, this. The Race. Not my plans, but His. Not my will, but His. I struggle everyday to be obedient to the opportunity that He has given me. A year of preparation time. To break me and build me back up again. To strengthen my reliance on Him, and weaken the footholds of the devil on my life. And even though the enemy has thrown every obstacle in front of me that he could– I tell him to back off. Even though he has made me want to quit so many times that I've lost count, I'm going.
So that's it. That's me. I leave in just a couple of weeks now. I'm excited. Terrified. Hopeful. Unsure, yet confident. Obedient. Anxious. Both trusting and doubtful. Scared of what I'm leaving behind. Joyful about what I'm gaining. Both in anticipation, yet dragging my feet.
Because there is one thing that I already know. That I've experienced before and am about to experience again. Most likely over and over and over again. Part of me dying. My flesh. My desires. My wants. My plans. All of it. Surrendered to Him.
Let's go.
