I am at a really good place right now.
Spiritually, emotionally, mentally.
6 months down, 5 to go.
It took me long enough, don't you think?
But that's just it.
Word on the street is that months 7 and 8 are some of the best on the Race. That those are the months of the biggest breakthrough.
Rewind.
At the end of our month 4 debrief in Moldova, we had a session on "prisons" or areas of sin or disobedience that we get stuck in. Sometimes we can see them– such as things that God has continually asked us to give up or issues that we keep struggling with, or we can be completely blind to them. There are others, but we focused on the main five: comparison, regret, bitterness, excuses, and withdrawal. It didn't take long for me to admit to myself that I was stuck in two of them– regret and excuses. Regret is when we get caught up in "what might have been" — missed opportunities or bad decisions we have made. The prison of excuses includes a cycle of why we aren't doing things God asks of us. We try to explain and justify our disobedience. After recognizing them, I wanted out. So badly. I prayed and I asked, but the breakthrough just wasn't coming. I felt the Lord whisper to me:
"My child, wait for My timing. I am working in you, even now, when you don't see it. We are walking this road together and I am preparing you for what is ahead. Breakthrough will come, but not yet. Trust me."
I was frustrated. I wanted it right then. Things were hard. I was a month out of a year and a half relationship that had left me broken and bruised. I was still at the beginning of a trip that I had not even been excited to start because it interfered with my own plans for my life. I didn't really see what God was doing because I wasn't really looking for it.
Fast forward.
It has been almost exactly two months since that night, and the Lord has worked miracles in my life to bring me to this exact point.
He has comforted and healed and brought peace and joy and continued to stretch and shape and pull me ever closer into His heart.
A few days ago, I came to the sobering realization that if I were to go home right now, I would not be radically different. Yes, I have changed. God has strengthened me. He has revealed Himself to me in new ways and grown and stretched me more than ever before, so YES, I would be different.. But not radically. And I want that. The Lord used this realization to bring me to my knees and ask Him what is holding me back.
As I have asked, He revealed a vision to me. From a bird's eye view, I could see myself walking down a road blocked every so often with a brick wall. As I walked, I walked through some that had already been demolished, laying in piles of rubble. There were some that I had to climb over with His help. I came to some that had been lifted from the road and set aside. And there were plenty still ahead– just waiting to be conquered with His power and walked past.
So that's where I am today. Praising and thanking God for the obstacles overcome, asking His help to overcome the ones in the present moment, and trusting in His faithfulness and provision for the ones to come.
Breakthrough is finally coming. I am casting aside all that has held me back, and I am running the race marked out for me. I am digging deeper into the heart of God and His will for my life. I want more of Him and less of me. Whatever it means, I want His desires and will for my life more than i want my own.
No turning back.
