I sat in the quiet room trying to understand why these emotions were so strong. I was so overcome with frustration I could barely see straight. I sat quietly trying to reason myself out of it. I tried to understand the root of the problem. I was at my wit’s end, but I had no idea how I had gotten there. In the past I had said, “I’m an introvert. I need lots of alone time.” “I’m a passionate person so I feel emotions really strongly.” “I need to learn how to love better.” “I’m more sensitive than other people… I feel negative emotions more strongly.” All of these things are true, but none of them helped me understand how to deal with my emotions. I had tried talking about it with other people, but that never got me anywhere either. I was just caught in this tornado of emotions with things swirling around me and not really any end in sight. My feeble attempt to correct the downward spiral was to try to be “more filled with the Spirit.” It sounded good. I would fervently pray for God to “take the bad feelings away,” but oddly enough He never did. “Why, God, why? Isn’t Your plan for me to live an abundant life?”
There’s a passage of Scripture in Galatians where it compares and contrasts negative and positive actions and emotions. It says, “Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness… But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such there is no law (Gal. 5: 19,22-23). Verse 16 also says, “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” Awesome. So all I have to do is be loving, spread joy, practice peace, etc. and everything will be great, right? Um, no. It doesn’t work that way. In fact, it’s extremely tiring, and you burn out really fast.
Recently, I have come to picture my heart as a house. Every day I meet with God to do some renovations. Sometimes we do a walk through and find some pretty uncomfortable things. Like anger, jealousy, envy, or lust… He points out that He doesn’t like sitting on the chair of wrath or lying on the couch of slander in order to have a chat. But it’s my house. He’s not going to take it away from me. I can have it if I want to. The thing is, once He points it out I don’t really like it all that much anymore. The picture of peace is so much brighter and brings other ornaments like hope and joy with it that I decide I would much rather have those decorations instead.
But how to get the ugly stuff out? There is a practice called mindfulness. In essence, it’s the awareness of what’s inside the mind and the release of it. It dawned on me sitting on that quiet mind that there were some things I needed to get rid of in order to allow the Holy Spirit more room to work. I sat for a few minutes and named all the emotions swirling around me. And then like balloons I detached them. They had no power over me. I didn’t have room for them in my house. After quietly letting them go, I prayed and invited the Holy Spirit to come in and abide with me. I had made my house His home.
As I incorporated this vital part into my quiet time, I noticed some strange things begin to happen. The situations surrounding me that had annoyed me were still there, but they no longer frustrated me to the point of uncontrolled anger. Fear didn’t paralyze me. In fact, I was getting better at confronting and overcoming it. Oh, and there was this thing called joy. I was able to feel this wild-eyed wonder that started in the bottom of my toes and radiated everywhere. Serenity started to seep in and settle my heart in times when I should have been anxious. This certain sense of centeredness…..
The house continues to be renovated. Some parts are under construction more than others for sure. But it’s looking a lot different these days. Overall, it’s a much happier place. Ask me about it the next time you see me. We can talk about the latest remodeling venture.
