overwhelmed.
If I could use one word to describe how I’m feeling in this exact moment and have been for the past week, it’s the word “overwhelmed.” I don’t mean this in the negative sense at all. I simply emotionally feel overwhelmed. I’m like a big ball of messy emotions walking around waiting to cry. Tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of excitement, tears of I don’t even know what.
I love this place. I love that Guatemala has become my home. I love that I have walked the cobblestone streets of Antigua every single weekend. I love that chicken buses have become a normal adventure. I love the eager kids and adults we got to teach every day. I love the beauty of the mountains and volcanoes surrounding me at all times. I love the community I get to do life with and come home to. I love the incredible relationships that God has given us the opportunity to create and build.
I’m content with finally being done with ministry. I’m sad beyond words to leave Cali, Chino, David, Manuel, Tato, and all of the other people we’ve invested in. I’m not ready to say goodbye to these people who I’ve come to care for so so deeply. I’m sad to leave the team of girls we’ve lived with the past three months. But I’m ready to move forward.
I’m excited to be back with the whole squad for a few days at debrief. I’m excited for the conversations full of guidance and love I’ll have with our coaches and mentors. I’m excited to have time to relax, process, and get with God. I’m super pumped for Thailand, a change of pace, and newness.
I’m ready to be challenged and stretched. I’m nervous to be broken. I’m ready for God to mold and shape me according to His will. I’m excited to learn and grow. I’m scared to be a leader in the sense of spiritual leading.
It’s such an odd feeling to be leaving a place that you won’t be returning to. I might come back by choice someday, but it will never be like this. I won’t be with the same people and I won’t be doing the same thing. It’s something I’m not used to.
While all of this feels overwhelming to me, I know it’s a good thing. It’s a blessing to feel pain at the thought of leaving. It means I made something of these past three months. And in the midst of this craziness, I feel unexplainably at peace. I mean, I can explain it to you pretty simply: the Lord.
Yet I’m content.
The hardest thing about leaving is leaving Cali. He is our “driver” and lives with us from Monday to Friday. He has become my best friend and I love and appreciate him more than I can express. He is constantly joking around with all of us and he is one of the most ornery people I know. He has a laugh that makes his whole face scrunch up and his body hunch over. He knows a few English words and loves to randomly throw them at us. He can make anything you want happen. I mean dang, I love him.
So yes, I wish I could have more time with Cali. Yes, I wish I could see his smile and laugh with him every single day. But I know the Lord is going to continue to move in His life. I know us leaving will be hard, but God can and will meet him in that.
These nine months of the Race are a season, but Guatemala is a season in and of itself. It has been an amazing season of growth for me. I have been able to focus on my relationship with God and grow with Him every day. I’ve learned a lot about God’s goodness and the numerous ways He shows us love every day. I feel blessed and thankful to have been here and had this season. It’s coming to an end and it’s time for another one to begin. And I feel okay.
Overwhelmed,
but okay.
So this is it right now. This is how it is. This is how I am. I’m still here and I’m still processing.
