I don’t
what it is about this month, whether it is me, or the 7th month of
the race, or having been in Africa for almost nine weeks, but I have been
itching for a change-for a new country, a new continent, a new team, or most
troubling but also ever-present, to return home, to the familiar, the
comfortable, the easy.
This
month, things that I have tolerated about my teammates for the past six months
suddenly became too much to bear. This led to good feedback and conversations,
but it was still interesting-why all of a sudden was this a breaking point?
This
month, I became discouraged with ministry and not feeling like we were making a
difference. I have forgotten what it means to live for the kingdom all the
time, to be soul-ed out. It took reading a blog about a friend’s recent trip to
Haiti with AIM to realize that I had definitely lost “it.” Lost my spunk, my
spark, my passion for the Lord and His people.
I wrote
this in a journal entry a few weeks ago: “I want to love people, just love
them. Share God’s love, but in more tangible ways (to my worldly thinking), not
just make people listen to me while I share the gospel.”
So that
has been part of the reason for the relative blog silence. I have been
wrestling through a lot this month-my purpose in ministry, my purpose on my
team, why am I even on the race (anymore). It’s been another month without many
cool stories and with a lot of distractions.
I have
spent far too much time counting down the time left in Africa (5 weeks) instead
of enjoying the time I have here (13 weeks of my LIFE). I really was looking
forward to this time here, but I am a fickle human being. Things get hard and I
check out.
really know what it was–something about me, or the 7th month on the
race, or Tanzania, but this month just felt off-kilter. Itching for change,
itching for home, itching for the something more I thought I’d signed up for,
but had lost in the midst of my own junk.
Pray for
me, as I fight through these struggles and persevere. Pray I will find purpose
and joy in the next four months, and not get distracted as home comes closer.
Pray for my heart, that I will find a passion and desire for the people we meet
to know the Lord. Pray that I would continue to surrender any and all
expectations and instead find excitement in what God has in store for us the
last four months.
Thank
you.
Blessings
& love.
