I have no idea what it is about debriefs that turn me into a
pile of snot, tears and exposed fears, but this last one was no exception.
On the Race, I cried in pretty much every debrief. I am sure
my coaches and squad leaders thought I cried every day (close but not quite).
For month 2 debrief, I cried because I felt so unloved and unheard by my team
(was I loving and listening to them? Nope… but alas, selfishness is an ugly
beast and a constant battle). For month 5 debrief, I cried because of how God
has taken something I didn’t want to do, and turned it into a month of
redemption, love, acceptance and freedom. In our month 8 debrief (post-Africa),
I literally sobbed through the whole thing. My squad leader, Kyla, saw it as a
release and an acceptance of fresh air and life. My team struggled with the
whole speaking life thing, and when we rolled into Ireland, exhausted and worn
out with my only celebration that none of us bailed whilst in Africa, our
coaches, and all of our squad leaders poured into us, spoke life into us, and
gave me hope. At final debrief, I think I had a few tears in my eyes because I
was so proud of my team, how far we’d
come, how we knew who we are and choose to live in truth, and just how in awe I
was of God and what beautiful things he’d made out of us.
This past week in Antigua, the trend continued. I had felt
discouraged, disappointed and frustrated with how things were going on the
field, but mainly in myself. I felt like a bad leader, like I wasn’t fit or
worthwhile to hold this position anymore, and they should just send me home and
find someone else.
I sat in dinner our last night with the AIM staff who had
come to debrief us, and the tears just started rolling. I tried to stop but I
couldn’t. The dam had broken and the puddles were forming. All my thoughts and
fears of failure, of inadequacy, of illegitimacy, of going back to P.B, of
everything, really, just starting verbal vomiting over the table.
They (the AIM staff and Julian) stopped me, spoke some life
and then it was time to go back to worship. During worship, the puddles started
forming again. A World Race team was staying at the same hostel, and we were
worshipping with them. The girl sitting next to me hugged me and rubbed my
back.
I just
felt so broken, like I could never put the pieces back together. I felt like I
had really gone too far this time, that there was no way God’s grace could
actually cover the last 6 weeks, all the hiccups and troubles and anger and
frustration, and there was certainly no way my team could ever truly forgive me
and show me grace.
Please note, I have NEVER
felt that way before. I have always known and believed God’s grace really does
extend throughout all my sin, all my brokenness, all my messy bits, but this
time, I didn’t know.
But thankfully, God sent some angels whose names were
Jaimie, Ashley and Vivian to minister to my broken spirit, to pray for me and
speak life into me, and to ask me what God was telling me.
And here’s what He said: You
can’t do this. But I can do this through you. You are worthy, because I called
you. You are worthy of this calling and of this life I have blessed you with.
You are my beloved and I do love you. My grace is enough, and you are enough
with me.
Which of course made me cry more. But alas, such is life at
debrief. Exposure sets you free! Exposure set me free, time and again, and now
I can walk in freedom.
PS-My team has forgiven me and we are in such a good place
at the moment.
Love and grace
and JOY abounding as we bring light and life
into Puerto Barrios.
