On September 13th, I officially found out that World Race America is not launching with the rest of the World Race Squads for January 2021.
To be completely vulnerable and open, I did not do ok with this news at all. Now, I am on an upward climb towards acceptance, optimism, and gratitude. But initially, I felt like someone took a hammer and smooshed on my exposed and open heart.
The weight of that hammer at times still hurts.
We didn’t have enough committed participants to launch for January 2021. And, I believe there’s a lot of factors that led to this. Something that I have grown to understand is this, pioneering and developing a new program is hard and painfully humbling. There are too many moving pieces, many of them out of my control. And my team and I are realizing that for World Race America to gain momentum, we will have to be the ones willing to push the stone wheel up the hill.
In my quiet times I’ve mentioned World Race America a lot with the Lord. I was having the, often one-sided, “Why?” conversation with Him. You know what I mean right? A moment of coming to the Lord asking all the “Why’s”. Why not? Why now? Why here? Why did this happen?
I believe that sometimes asking “Why?” opens the door for the enemy to speak answers also. And quickly enemy lies infiltrated my mind. Naturally, when things don’t work out, isn’t there always someone or something to blame? This is what the enemy told me. Because I am an “extreme ownership” type of gal, I began taking the brunt of the blame.
It’s because I didn’t steward my leadership role well. It’s because I took on too many roles and juggled too many things that I couldn’t focus on what was important. It’s because I drank that glass of wine and the anointing of God left me. It’s because I’m prideful. It’s because I’m too humble. It’s because I didn’t follow up on that teammate to see how she was doing. It’s because I sent out the wrong email. It’s because I’m not a good storyteller and my World Race America posts were boring. It’s because I didn’t try harder to recruit people. It’s because I’m not worthy for such a calling. It’s because I didn’t pray enough during my fast. It’s because I heard the Lord wrong and I wasn’t supposed to be in Gainesville Georgia.
The enemy made a lot of accusations. And sadly enough, I was too emotionally and spiritually fatigued to fight against it. I spent so many days and nights mourning and weeping because of these lies I believed. And, I had a hard time hearing the Lord.
Yesterday morning I was looking through my journals, trying to investigate where I fell short. And it was this moment of investigation where I found the answer that I needed.
Jesus.
Reading through the tear stained pages, it was no longer about the things I did or didn’t do. But it was all about what Jesus did.
I heard Jesus in a soft, gentle whisper.
“Let go of the hammer.”
Remember that hammer that smooshed my heart? I was the one holding it.
Sometimes we go through a lot of unnecessary hurt when we don’t let go…
Yesterday afternoon, I confessed out loud in front of some of my brothers and sisters in Christ that I have been in cycle of self-condemnation because World Race America ended up not re-launching for January 2021. I confessed to re-tracing my steps to figure out where I failed the Lord. I confessed to the lies I was believing. I repented against agreeing to these lies. I repented against thinking that my actions could ever stop the will of God. I repented from doubting God. And I thanked Him for His plans and will.
I dropped the hammer. I picked up my smooshed-up heart and it’s placed back in the hands of Jesus where He’ll care for it. I am free from condemnation. I have the authority to be free from the spirit of religion that so often tries to bind me in the accusations that the things I do will never measure up. I am not bound to my work or role. I am bound only to the love of Christ that compels me to wake up everyday and be who I am, a daughter of God. I can do my best without the unhealthy need to rely on my performance. I have been given the Grace to receive the Love of God which is more than I will ever need and the only way I will be able to spread true Kingdom love anyway.
God is refining me in the different levels of freedom that I am walking in so that I can be a minister of greater freedom for the people the Lord leads me to.
One of my brothers challenged me to declare over myself that I am worthy of this calling to work for God’s Kingdom by helping to build up World Race America.
And I declare, “I am worthy because God is worthy.”
So, that upward climb towards acceptance, optimism, and gratitude looks something like this:
1) Acceptance came at confession and repentance. That moment of letting go of the hammer that I was beating myself up with led me to accept that God’s plans are mysterious and greater than anything I could understand. I can only hope that He will reveal His plans and reasoning to me, but even if He doesn’t, I know I can trust God will all my heart.
2) I am optimistic that World Race America will launch again! We don’t know exactly when, but we believe that God will continue to use World Race America as a conduit to fan the flames of Revival throughout the USA.
3) I am grateful that the Lord gave us some time to tear down and rebuild so that World Race America can have a better foundation. I’m grateful for all the people at Adventures in Missions that have helped with my transition and took time to pour into me so that I can assist in a variety of ways. I am grateful and excited for the upcoming meetings that we will have with our leaders to discuss how World Race America can improve to carry out the vision to spread revival and the Gospel, activate believers, and make disciples. I have so much gratitude for our past and current racers that are passionately and dutifully obeying God as the flame of revival burns brightly within them. I am grateful for all the people who want to partner with our program. I’m grateful for what God is doing right now throughout our nation.
After my confession and repentance yesterday, one of my brothers had a word to encourage me with. My World Race America 2020 team and I worked with him at MUST ministries in Georgia. It was one of the first ministries that we got to partner with in January.
He said, “You and your team were with us for 4 hours. And those 4 hours made an impact on me and the ministry. You changed the atmosphere with your joy. And regardless if World Race America launches or not, just keep being that source of joy. World Race America is like a slow burning candle that leaves an aroma. No matter if the candle is lit or not, it leaves a lingering aroma.”
When God puts a hold on the plans it’s for a reason. For now, I’m praising God for the aroma and resting in it.
**Please continue to pray for us as we work towards the development of World Race America. Pray for unity, wisdom, peace, and humble hearts. Currently, I am still fundraising to be a full time affiliate missionary with Adventures in Missions. You can partner with me through prayer and also by making a one time or monthly donation. Monthly donations will help me to be able to focus all my efforts towards kingdom building. Any amount will make a difference and would be much appreciated. To donate, please click on the “donate” button above! All donations are tax-deductible 501c3.**
