I remember feeling my heart beat quickly as I looked out the window watching the plane get closer to the ground. Eleven months has passed since I lived in the United States. I was nervous that I might forget everything I learned and experienced during my missionary trip.
“Lord,” I said, “don’t let me grow cold. Holy Spirit, keep burning within me. Lord, please help me. I am never going back to who I was before You came.”
I recalled when I was 12 years old and I made a decision to run away from the Lord. I was unable to accept and face the trauma I was experiencing at such a young age. So I ran away. I felt unworthy of His love. And that covering of unworthiness drowned me in fear, shame, guilt, anger, pride. Running away from the Lord’s love doesn’t work. He’s everywhere.
When I turned 26 years old I finally stopped running. I can’t really explain how it happened, but I just knew there was something more than living a reckless, purposeless life. I remember the day I accepted Jesus into my heart. I couldn’t stop crying as my heart was filled with this feeling of newness and freshness. Unexplainable really, but I just knew life would never be the same.
It wasn’t until I was 30 years old that I realized I was easily shaken. My career changed, my dad passed away, my engagement fell through, my ministry ended, and suddenly I didn’t know who I was anymore. My faith was tested and in a way I think I failed. But it was the best failure I ever had.
It opened my eyes to seeing that I actually lived a lukewarm, comfortable Christian lifestyle. I settled for a “third party” intimacy with Jesus where I just listened to what my Pastor said, read a lot of devotionals, and listened to podcasts occasionally. But I never read the Bible for myself. I never gave room for the Holy Spirit to give me revelation through the Word. I didn’t know I could actually hear His voice, feel Him, see Him. Even after salvation, I still had this rooted pride in my heart. There were many aspects of me that was untransformed. And I realized, I hadn’t repented from a lot of sin patterns. Instead, I wore a garment of apathy.
I had a choice to choose Jesus or to run away again. But, I knew it would have been pointless. So I sprinted towards Jesus. I began to desire Him. I sought Him and I found Him in the most unexpected places.
Revelation struck me as I read the Word. A new understanding and knowledge like I never experienced before flooded my mind and settled in my heart. I began to learn how He spoke to me through His Word. Then, I began to hear His voice because it sounded like His Word. I began to feel His presence. And, then I began to see Him.
I saw Him in the man who shouted praise while tears ran down his face when I gave him my Bible in Haiti. He was in the old man sweeping the garbage from the front of his store in the DR. He was in the tears of a woman who lost her father in South Africa. He was in my teammates who chose to pray for the people who broke into our home in Botswana. He was in the woman who was sharing her love for Jesus a week before passing away in Zambia. He was in the woman whose infected surgery incision was healed in India. He was in the premature, abandoned baby that I held in my arms in Nepal. He was in the grieving widow that was crying on the sidewalk after her husband died in Romania. He was in the young woman and her 2 children that received a box of baby supplies in Bulgaria. He was in my teammate who was struggling to feel God’s love in Serbia. He was in the warm hands of a young woman who accepted a bag of food in Albania.
Psalm 34:18-19 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to rescue each time.”
It makes sense that I felt the Lord most during the moments I was broken. And the truth of the Word supports why I found His presence in the most heartbreaking moments while traveling through the world. He is close to the brokenhearted. And He does this because it’s His heart to save us from this broken world.
I was surprised when Jesus had me return back to the USA to serve Kingdom. Honestly, I thought I was going to go back to South Africa. So…
Why America?
About 3 days after coming back home I was at a gas station when the Holy Spirit led me to minister to a man whose mother just died and didn’t have community to help comfort him. Then I met a woman at Publix who needed prayer for financial burdens. I ministered to a homeless man on the street who needed to be reminded that God sees him and loves him. I spoke with fellow believers who were going through pain and brokenness within their own home. I saw a woman in the park who met Jesus for the first time and needed to be inspired by His love.
I remember one day crying to the Lord saying, “Jesus, the brokenness has followed me here. And it hurts.”
He said, “It didn’t follow you. It was always here. I have given you the eyes to see it. Now, what will you do?”
I had to be sent out to different nations to learn that brokenness is everywhere. And Jesus, He’s in the midst of it all wanting to partner alongside us with His Spirit to minister to the brokenhearted, heal the sick, cast out demons, edify fellow believers, exhort and rebuke the sleeping lukewarm churches, make disciples of all nations, and bring the dead in Spirit back to life. I don’t need to live overseas to be a missionary. I am a servant of the Lord even in my own backyard. And America is ripe and ready for revival.
What will I do?
Jesus, I will surrender. I will obey. I will trust. I will welcome the Holy Spirit so that Your power can be perfect in my weakness. I will serve Kingdom where I stand.
And right now, I’m standing on US soil. The soil is ready for the seeds to be planted. The seeds that have been laying dormant are about to break open by the fire of the Spirit. New growth is happening. Revival is here.
Andrew Shearman, a beautiful, wise soul that I got the honor to be taught by during my leadership training for World Race America said, “There’s a Godly Spirit of Violence that needs to be awakened in every believer. The warrior Spirit that would be willing to bring Kingdom with force to the darkest parts of the world. And what is this force? The perfect love of the Father who has overcome the world.”
Why America?
I want to ask…why not America?
