I found myself asking my friends to come with me to Disney. And, as plans turned into reality, I then started asking myself, “Gisele, are you going to be ok with this?”
I like Disney. I am a fan of Beauty and the Beast, because Belle was the character that helped me to enjoy reading books. I had long, thick black hair growing up, so Pocahontas became my childhood nickname. I still remember our first family Disney trip and of course several more visits to the park after that. So, it’s nothing against Disney, because I have very fond memories from there. But, I also have some memories that could send a very painful blow to my newly mended heart. That, led me to ask the question, “Gisele, are you going to be ok with this?”
On June of 2016 I took engagement pictures at Epcot for a wedding that never happened. We wanted the photos to be a surprise since we were going to be using them for our travel themed wedding center pieces. I think only a handful of people actually got the see the photos. But, I remember them vividly. Not just the photos, but the elated feeling I had in my heart, and the butterflies in my tummy leading to excitement as we posed for the camera. I remember the sound of our laughter, his eyes and touch, and the scent around me. I remember the conversations we had, detailing dreams and hopes for a blissful future, married, and happy.
About a year later, two days after our wedding day I was at Disney again. But, I wasn’t living in bliss. I wasn’t married. I wasn’t happy. Although I was surrounded by my family (thank God for them), smiling in pictures, acting interested in what was around me, inside I was wanting to give up. I was letting myself break, letting myself die. I was experiencing the aftermath of a painful engagement and a destructive break-up. I felt shame because my hopes had shattered for all to see, guilt because things could have been done differently, and shock from the disbelief that within a year I not only lost my dad through death, but now the man that I thought would be my husband was gone from my life.
I continued on; going to work, going to church, going to the gym, socializing with family and friends. Honestly I know for sure it was the prayers from those around me that kept me moving. I grieved for the plans God had for my life that I thought, I destroyed. There were days where I literally just kneeled in my room. I wasn’t praying or talking to God because I didn’t think I was worthy enough. But I would stay there kneeling, knowing that even though I may feel unworthy, Jesus was there beside me just waiting for me to grab His out-stretched hand. You see…you might give up on yourself, but God remains constant, unchanging. He promises to be close to the brokenhearted, so He stays close. He never leaves.
When you allow yourself to be beaten down that badly, changes happen to your soul. A few months after the break up I was kneeling again in my room, in God’s presence. This time, I had enough strength to at least start talking to myself. I said to myself, “You know HE is here, so what are you going to do now? You can remain dead inside. Or you can choose to live.” I cried again. And it felt like Jesus couldn’t bear to see me cry anymore so He yelled at me to STOP, WAKE UP! I cried out to Him. I grabbed His hand. I CHOSE LIFE!
When your soul is in shattered pieces, God comes in and transforms you into something NEW. So, I’m glad that I let myself break and die. It was the only way I could be born again, knowing that the oppression that took hold of me was crucified with Christ. I can continue on living by Faith in the Son of God who truly loves me and gave himself up for me (Galatians 2:20). I am ALIVE and equipped to fight in the spiritual warfare that took so much from me. It makes me strong knowing that I am alive! The dead can’t fight, but WE who are alive in Jesus, CAN fight.
So, on Wednesday, here I was heading to Disney. I’m in talking terms with Jesus again, so I began asking Him that question (and then some) saying, “I don’t know Jesus. Do you think I’ll be ok? What if something reminds me of him and I break down and cry in the middle of the park? What if I end up being a downer and making my friends sad? I’m really nervous. What should I do? Cancel last minute?Take this battle for me. I don’t want this in my head.” In response, to my crazy talk the Holy Spirit said to me, “Be anxious about nothing. Just pray.”
I prayed. I asked God to come with me to Disney. And, He came! He showed favor by giving me free parking (woohoo!). And then, I kept praying. I acknowledged Him in everything that was around me. I was there celebrating life and making new memories because of His mercy, love, and grace for me. I saw places that did bring back old memories, but there was no painful blow to my heart. Yes, my heart is still in tact! I refused to be brought down by giving the enemy leverage to attack my fun day! Instead, I prayed harder. I lifted the old memories up to God by praising Him and thanking Him for them. I’m choosing to cherish those memories. They are the moments that got me to where I need to be, where I am CALLED to be right now, serving Him and preparing to spread God’s Kingdom through missionary work overseas. What a plan God!! You sure know how to make them!
Later on that evening, I was enjoying a very impressive firework show at Magic Kingdom. I was laughing, feeling light-hearted, enjoying all of God’s Glory in creation. Then, the Holy Spirit said this to me, “I have turned your mourning into dancing. I have removed your sackcloth and replaced it with clothes of joy. You will sing praises and NOT be silent. I am the Lord your God. You will praise me forever.” (Psalm 30:11)
