Dear J-Squad,
Remember those 10 second introduction videos that we made to get extra participation points for Squad Wars at training camp?
I was nervous to make my video. I didn’t know what to say! I couldn’t think of a “fun fact” to share with you guys and I was mortified to share my age. I remember having to talk myself into doing it. I wanted to contribute what I could to help us get those extra points. I pumped myself up, trying to find a light at the end of the tunnel by saying to myself, “Gisele, the age range for the WR is 21-35. Surely there would be a lot of people in their 30’s doing this race.”
So I got myself ready. I took a 10 second shot of me saying my fun fact which was not that fun at all – “my favorite color is purple.”
Remember how Kasey organized our videos so that we could get points for creativity? We worked together surprisingly well for a bunch of people who were just getting to know each other online. It was a good indication of how the rest of our journey as a Squad would transpire.
One by one we posted our videos. I was excited to see the unique personalities and talents that God placed in our group.
Angie introduced herself to us in different languages. Laiken rapped a song while playing the guitar. Christian recorded his time lapsed so what should have taken more than a minute was squeezed into 10 seconds.
Elsie shared her love for chocolate. Shelby’s video had snow! Jordan did hers in a snapchat filter. I’m pretty sure Claire was on a surfboard. And, I remember checking out the Boba Tea in Amy’s video.
The list goes on.
I seriously loved seeing how you presented yourself in 10 seconds. I thought to myself, “wow! What more would I see in 11 months!”
But, I’ll be vulnerable. There was this one lingering thought in my mind while I watched those videos. I eventually realized that there were two people in their 30’s within our squad, and I was one of them.
I suddenly felt very insecure trapped in my own thoughts.
What would they think of me?
I was a 30 year old woman whose faith was shaken. I was unable to stand strong and I lost sight of my identity in Christ. I was grieving from the death of my father who passed away about a year before I applied to the race. I was told I didn’t grieve well because I lost hope. I was an ex-fiance who felt unworthy of having a family to call my own. I was an ex-ministry leader who had to step down from my position when I couldn’t cope with my failed relationship. I was an ex-veterinary student who changed my career path. And I was at the end of myself. I had no where to go and nothing to do besides fall in love with the Lord again and learn how to trust that His ways were better than my own.
What could I bring to a squad who was filled with men and women who had their whole lives ahead of them. You are all passionate, knowledgeable, talented, inspiring, purpose driven, hip, cool, and in pursuit of the Lord.
And I felt too broken, irreparable, and empty. I prayed a lot for confidence.
As the months passed and the time for training camp came closer, I began to feel less nervous and more excited. I thought maybe my prayers for confidence were getting answered.
Do you remember the first person you said hi to or maybe even hugged?
I remember sitting on the airport floor with Levi and Elle while we waited for our ride to training camp. Getting there seemed to take forever until finally we pulled into the long, dirt road driveway.
I saw some of you standing on the lawn waiting for directions it seemed. We all wore blue to represent our Squad. We have so many names! Did you ever notice this? We’re known as, World Race Route 2, J-Squad, Blue Team, Blue Jays, Seasoned Grandmas, and now J-Church!
Anyway…as our van pulled in I waved excitedly out the window. Those who saw me probably thought I was weird. When the van parked I could hardly contain myself. I ran up to you all standing on the lawn and I’m pretty sure I went in for hugs. I remember seeing Kasey, Abby, Shelby, and Alison. Then, I saw Laiken, Lauren, and Julia. Eventually we all began to gather.
We’re good at gathering. I noticed that during training camp and throughout the race. We’ve had moments where we were completely overwhelmed, stretched out of our comfort zones, vulnerable and exposed with our faith being tested, and STILL we would pursue one another. We would fight for unity. We would gather.
During training camp Julia said that I loved others well. Amy asked me where I got my joy from. And Ashley said that she had me all figured out, I was secretly an angel in disguise. Christian said that he liked how I prayed. And Hannah shared that I was filled with a lot of spiritual gifts.
The words of encouragement poured out and it didn’t stop at training camp. You have all continued to encourage me 11 months later.
I don’t think I ever shared how incredibly meaningful those words of life were to me. During the most difficult season of my life, you saw something inside of me that I couldn’t see for myself. I was looking through a broken lens and I couldn’t see the reflection of Christ.
But you did…my J-Squad who quickly crept into my heart…you saw the beauty that comes from brokenness.
Soon my age didn’t matter at all. I didn’t feel like a failed, unloved woman in her 30’s. Actually, I felt quite the opposite. You spoke life into me when I thought I’ve been too far gone. And even when I shared my testimony and my struggles you never shamed me or made me feel guilty. You never condemned me or thought of me as worthless.
Instead, you celebrated God’s unfailing love and mercy. And you taught me how to celebrate and rejoice again. All pressure was off. I didn’t need to perform for you all. I just believed in the words of life that you spoke over me and I prayed that I could live a life that honors and reflects it.
There I was before training camp thinking to myself that I wouldn’t have anything to offer to the squad. But what I’ve realized is that in this season, God wanted me to welcome community in a new way. He cared less about what I could offer and more about what I would be willing to receive.
He wanted me to learn what it means to receive love in order for me to give love. He wanted me to welcome stillness with Him so that I can observe how to be true, genuine, faithful, and gracious.
J-Squad, thank you for loving me well.
Thank you for teaching me about true community. Thank you for encouraging me to walk in freedom so that I could take off the masks and be genuinely me. Thank you for showing me the true meaning of being a good and faithful servant. Thank you for extending your hand of grace towards me.
Initially, I was in a broken state when we first met. Thank you for sitting in the Potter’s room with me, patiently waiting as He molded me and shaped me into something new.
Thank you for welcoming whatever wisdom and knowledge I could offer. I pray it helped to edify our body. Thank you for letting me be “young” again. I have such bursts of energy when I am with you all. And, even when I wasn’t directly a part of something, trust that I was watching from a distance and soaking in as much of your presence as possible.
(Raise your hand if you know I like to people watch. Yes, I’ve learned a lot from you just by watching – saying this in the creepiest voice that I could come up with. Haha!)
These 11 months have gone by too quickly huh? With the exception of some of the months that felt like forever! In 1 week the Lord will reveal a new chapter for each of us. I’m excited to see this unfold. I know it’s going to be better than what we could have written up ourselves.
I know that it will be filled with NEW beginnings. I’ll share a prophetic word that was given to my team and I in Bulgaria that I feel is good for all of us – Embrace the New. The World Race is not the end. In fact, the end of the World Race is just the beginning of the rest of our lives.
Thank you a hundred times over. I’ll never forget how you’ve individually, in your own unique way brought me laughter, adventure, and memories. I love you.
Love Always,
Gisele Marie
P.S. – I still don’t know which Enneagram number I am.
