Last week, I came home in the early afternoon after work. I went to my bedroom and stood with eyes wide open staring at what was around me.
There, sprawled out on my bed were several bags of laundry that needed to be folded, sorted, and put away. There were clothes hanging to dry near my window that needed to be ironed. Near my lamp was a tall stack of belongings and gear that needed to be packed away for my missionary trip; my tent, sleeping pad, camping pillow, spill kit, four packing cubes, shoes, vitamins, books, toiletries, etc.
In the corner of my bureau there were six empty paint canvases that still needed to be painted on. On the opposite side of the room in a cardboard box were four paintings that still needed to be delivered. On my desk, my planner was laid open and I saw that I still had four items left on my “To Do” list that were past due. And, then I saw a little star indicating that in 14 days, I’ll be leaving to go on an 11 Month Missionary Trip across 11 Countries, serving Jesus and others in a capacity that I never thought in my life I’d be capable of.
Feeling an overwhelming sense of urgency and time running out, I sat on my bed and wept. I felt burdened by all the tasks that somehow, when piled on top of each other, turned into this BIG GIANT “To Do”. As I wept, I tried to figure out how I got to this point — Overwhelmed. Anxious. Rushed. Uneasy. Out of control.
I was sure I made the most out of my time. I was certain that I allocated time effectively so that I should have gotten all this stuff done.
Then, I wept more realizing that again, I made myself too busy.
I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal to me my heart. Why do I make myself busy to the point of overwhelming anxiousness? Why do I take on too much?
With such gentleness, I was given an impression that the Holy Spirit wanted me to focus on the word “Value”.
I believe that I spend too much effort and energy trying to feel valuable. If I kept busy, if I worked, if I had a planner filled with “To Do” lists, places to go, and people to see; then that must mean that I’m valuable? And, if I am valuable, then it also means that I am loved? Right?
Wrong! That’s the delusion that living in the World made me to think. The World wanted me caught up in the busyness. The World would rather see me running around, overwhelmed, and anxious fighting to earn the temporary feeling of being valuable and loved.
But, with Jesus. Oh Jesus. He offers something more. He offers reality!
Jesus sees us valuable just as we are. He sacrificed His life for ours. He gives love that is unconditional. We could never earn or deserve His love, because He offers it freely. He just wants us to pursue Him as much as He pursues us. Jesus is not impressed by all the things we can get done in a week. He wants us to turn to Him when we need help, guidance, and rest. He wants us to lean on Him. He wants to be a part of our life. He wants our heart. ALL of it.
Jesus can handle and wants to handle my overwhelmed, tear filled, weeping, anxious self.
At this revelation, I spoke to Jesus and apologized for my frantic emotions. I apologized for trying to find value in my BIG GIANT “To Do”. I apologized for mistaking that my own efforts would ever supersede what I can do through Christ who gives me the grace and strength to do ALL things. I apologized for not realizing sooner that I was taking on tasks that Jesus never meant for me to do.
Then, I heard the Holy Spirit asking me to rest. So, I did.
I moved aside all the clothing that was on my bed and I laid down. I closed my eyes and I pictured Jesus laying next to me. His endearing eyes staring at me with concern. I saw a little smirk come across His face. He was most likely smirking, because He got me to listen and lay down amidst the mess. He drew me in closer and I felt myself relaxing in His embrace.
At that moment of picturing Jesus in the stillness, I began to feel His presence all around me. The atmosphere in my room no longer felt tight and closed in. Instead, it began to feel airy and light. I could feel a slight coolness in the air, paired with a warmth that permeated around my hands, my feet, and my cheeks. I felt a tingling sensation in my tummy. Butterflies. Around my shoulders I felt a gentle weight. Jesus was holding me tight. Then I took a big sigh, as if pushing out any last remnants of anxiety that might still be lingering. All I could hear was my heart beat beginning to rest and the sound of breathing. I was resting in His peace that surpasses all understanding.
There are times when faced with the hardships of life whether big or small, that we realize that there’s nothing else we can do but to be still. In the stillness, we find His peace. And we have to move forward with Faith and Trust knowing that Jesus is working on our behalf. His intentions are so pure. And, He works so that we can work with Joy in our hearts.
Laying there, cuddling with Jesus, I heard Him say “Abide in Me and rest now. You are precious to me. I love you.”
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yolk upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yolk is easy and my burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30 NIV
Fundraising Update:
Once all the donations have been processed, we will be about 95% funded! This means that I only need to raise about $900 to be fully funded. Will you prayerfully consider helping me reach my goal to be fully funded by August 3rd by making a donation of any amount? Every donation will be a blessing to the Kingdom work we are doing through this missionary trip. To donate, please click on the orange “donate” button above. Thank you for your prayers, encouragement, and support!
