The humming of the air conditioner was a sound I welcomed as it drowned out my sniffle filled tears. Every now and then, I would hold my breathe whenever my teammates would shift around in their sleeping bags. I didn’t want them to know that I was crying because I needed to cry alone with Jesus and bring to Him all my thoughts from my encounter with Pete that occurred several days before.
Do you remember Pete from my last blog? Pete was the drug addict who helped us pick up trash during our street cleanup ministry. He knew of Jesus and at one point had a close relationship with Him. Somewhere during his journey, Pete turned away from the Lord. He was blinded by the darkness of his sins and by choice unable to turn towards the beaming light of grace.
After we finished with street clean up I invited him back into our ministry church to get some water and something to eat. I was eager to use this time to further talk to him about his faith and possibly get him some help at a drug rehabilitation center. He sat on the lobby bench of our church feeling grateful yet conflicted.
I stared into his eyes as thoughts raced through his mind. He kept saying, “I shouldn’t be here. I can’t be here. Man, this is a mistake.” He was fighting with the truth. He should be here at this church where he first found Jesus. He could be here if he chose to get help and stay. He did make a mistake, but Jesus can bring goodness and redemption even from our deepest mistakes.
In his mind he was in a battle with his heart. He knew the right thing to do, but since he believed God wouldn’t forgive him, he couldn‘t access the grace that comes with salvation. He got up and walked away.
How could he just choose this life? Especially after knowing Jesus, how could he just turn away?
I asked God those questions as I laid in bed recalling the events of that day.
I heard Him say, “Haven’t you also turned away?”
Fresh emotions of a life once void of love filled my heart. And I remembered the similar feeling I had when faced with the inner turmoil and defeat that Pete was experiencing.
The response from God brought upon me a painstaking conviction as Jesus, filled with truth, love, and grace brought me face to face with my reality — I have also turned away from Him.
Suddenly I remembered what it’s like to fight the battle of addiction that Pete was fighting. It’s not a battle that we fight once and never encounter again. Rather, it’s a battle, an inner turmoil, a resisting of our being that we fight every day as temptations come, attacking us, weakening us, stopping us from moving on, and sometimes causing us to turn away from Jesus.
How could I be upset at a fellow Christian for turning away from the Lord, when I myself, in several occasions have turned away from God too?
The Lord reminded me of a specific moment in which I believe now was a pivotal turning point in our relationship:
I was parked at a RaceTrack gas station. One heavy and depressing week had passed since I last saw my dad and heard his voice. I held on to the steering wheel tightly, letting every tear gush out of my eyes.
It hurt so much to remember that night. I had gotten home from the gym just in time to see my dad leave for work. I remember hearing him open the garage door and I rushed outside to say, “be careful at work dad.” This was a rare moment. Usually I wasn’t available to wave my dad off to work. But as I sat there in my mourning, I questioned myself. Was I not available, or did I just not make time? Regret is a big, hard wave that can continually hit you, and if you’re not aware it’ll drown you in grief.
My tears of mourning turned into tears of anger. I was angry at God. It’s difficult to fully explain, but I knew my dad was dying before we even got the call from his job that there had been an accident. I believe in prayer. I love to pray. I am a prayer warrior. And on that night, I prayed. I interceded. I cried myself back to sleep as the darkness in my room attempted to overtake me. I was safe in my prayer bubble as I like to call it. But even this bubble wouldn’t keep me from the reality that my daddy died.
I clenched tighter to the steering wheel as I replayed that night in my mind over and over again. At this point I’m pretty sure I turned off the Christian worship song that was playing in the background. God’s attempt to bring me solace didn’t work because I was too filled with anger towards Him. I heard Him say, “stay with Me.” In my heart I wanted to keep crying in His arms, but my mind was already angry and in an instant, without further thought, I let my spiritual defenses down and I gave up.
“So prepare your minds for action and exercise self-control. Put all your hope in the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the World. So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. But now, you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy.” – 1 Peter 1:13-15
I let my thoughts get the best of my emotions and I couldn’t get my mind to take the right action. If self-control is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), then I plucked the fruit off the tree and rather than eating it, I threw it on the ground and stepped on it. I couldn’t put my Hope in God’s grace through salvation. If I did I would have had the strength to say no. In this moment, in my anger, I didn’t want grace, I wanted my daddy back. So I chose to disobey my Heavenly Father. Definitely, not a holy moment for me.
I remember trying to justify my disobedience. I even used scripture to try to defend this sin.
Nothing will separate me from God’s love (Romans 8:31-39). God will forgive my sin and remember them no more (Hebrews 8:12). His mercies never come to an end and are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23).
The list of excuses can go on and on…and as I write this blog I’m sickened with this memory of using God’s Holy Word as a scapegoat to feed my anger, slip back into my old ways, disobey God, and turn away from His loving, grace-filled arms even when I knew better.
By this point I was walking out of the RaceTrack store carrying two boxes of wine and in my pocket was a fresh pack of Marlboro menthol lights. Years of sobriety and turning away from smoking cigarettes was thrown away the moment I made up my mind and decided that I was going to remain angry at God for not answering my prayers to keep my daddy alive.
I wish I could say that this was just a one time occurrence. But this cycle of turning away from God and sinning in my anger lasted for months after my dad died. I became an abuser of grace.
It was like I was riding a small life-boat labeled salvation and coasting on God’s unchanging characteristic to love me no matter what, while chain smoking and wine chugging my sorrows away at every chance I could get. I kept saying to myself, “God loves me still because that’s who He is. There’s grace for this.” And the more I agreed with this excuse the more it became harder and harder for me to hear God’s voice, feel His presence, read the Word, worship Him, love on other people, be there for my family, forgive myself and receive God’s forgiveness, pray and commune with Him, and bring truth to light.
For a moment it seemed like I was going to be ok in that tiny life-boat, but eventually the winds get stronger, the waves get higher, the boat flips over, and I began drowning.
When my backslidden ways caught up to me, I found myself in a similar place as Pete, far away from God’s grace and love. But even then I believe God was still showering me with His grace, because I kept getting convicted and this feeling was very different from my life before Christ where I felt no conviction at all.
And I believe this was the same for Pete. The Lord, was pursuing Pete with His love. Jesus wanted (and still wants) to bring wholeness to his broken and lost soul. Pete was experiencing this convicting grace that led him to approach us to clean up trash and led him to sit with us and talk about Jesus.
In my case, the grace that I felt the Lord showering upon me, regardless of my sin, led me to the waiting room of my church lobby. I had an appointment to meet with my pastor because I had backslidden. I remember feeling as scared and uncertain as Pete did. Asking for help seemed like such a burden and meant having to let go of fleshly desires. I couldn’t even feel God’s presence anymore. Would God meet me there to help me even after I turned away from Him and abused His grace?
Sometimes I wish that the story can end there. But the journey of grace is a long road filled with twists, turns, and the temptation that will try to push you off of it. There’s even more to unpack because this is the moment in my faith in which everything changed. While I continue to write part three of this blog series on Abusing Grace will you continue to pray for me to have the courage and strength to write. And together let’s meditate on this verse:
“So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” – Hebrews 4:14-16 NLT
Jesus, thank you for the freedom and healing that you give through the power of our testimonies. I pray that the truth brought to light will bring glory to Your goodness and that it encourages Your children to not give up and to keep fighting their battles while armed by Your grace. Lord, give me the courage to continue to unpack all that You have revealed to me about Your grace. Give me the words to write and the courage to obey. Amen.
