The following is a journal entry I made late last night, revised and updated to be readable.
What I expected from the Race was to come back different, changed. Many things have changed. God’s done some incredible things in my life. He has shown me incredible ways He is working in the world.
What I didn’t expect was to feel like I am right back where I started from. I came into month 11 expecting to leave everything out on the field, to give, serve and love with all I had.
I didn’t expect to so much frustration, so much anger, so much hurt. I didn’t expect to hurt so deeply the people who have been my family for 11 months. I didn’t expect to feel so broken all over again.
It’s hard to admit to yourself the things that are not good in your life, areas where deep growth still needs to happen, places where you are still offendable, ways that you can hurt people with words.
God has been reminding me this month I don’t need to be perfect and oh how I’ve learned it through seeing my imperfections. I’m a fallible human being. I’m not always the sweet, steady, grace-filled, loving Ginny people often say I am. Sometimes I get angry and frustrated. Sometimes I hurt people I love.
Something else I’ve been learning is that through all the frustrations, anger, and imperfections I’m still a daughter of the King, I’m still His child. He still loves me. I am still His beloved.
I weep as I write this and I am reminded of the prodigal son returning home. He was welcomed home by the Father running toward him with open arms. That is what my Daddy is doing and will do – there is no mistake that is too big for Him.
The one thing I want out of my life is for people to look at me and see Jesus. As I sit here feeling broken, feeling done, I understand that He is answering that prayer.
Hebrews 12:10-11 says “…God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it”.
A wise friend told me that the beautiful thing about the Lord’s discipline is that He doesn’t let us sit in our brokenness. He wants us to move, to continue to seek Him. The beginning of Hebrews 12 tells us to “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith…”
And that’s what it all comes down to. Jesus. Our brokenness shows us how desperately we need Him. We need all of who He is. And as I ask why, Lord? Why this ending of the Race? Why brokenness? I see that in surrender He can move, He can finally do His good work, not mine. And as He works, He binds up my broken heart.
