Catchy title I think!!!!! The three things describe in this title are actually real thoughts I have had these past couple weeks here in Peru.
Well, my experience in Peru has been an interesting one. I have had some really great moments and some pretty “kick in the shin” moments. There have been times where I have just wanted to grab my bag and head straight to Brazil to get the heck out of here, and at other moments, and most of my moments I couldn´t have thought about being anywhere else but here.
So, the first part of my experience here in Peru wasn´t a good one. I got here and was sick for almost two weeks. I couldn´t eat anything but crackers, if even that at times. So that was a bummer. Also, the ministry that they had us doing here, I wasn´t too big of a fan. We were going out preaching at schools, doing door to door evangelism, which is going around to peoples homes and sharing your faith, and we were handing out tracts, which are small pieces of paper that talk several things about Christianity. Now I have done this kind of ministry before, but for some reason, this time around I could not stand it at all. It wasn´t that it was hard for me to, but it was because I didn´t agree with it.
I remember going around to someones house and talking with the lady there and trying to get to know her, but something happened and it ended up not being about building a relationship with her and loving her, it was about telling her this formula to get this formula god, so we can get more people into this club called Christianity. Granted, I don´t think that is what Chrisitianity and evangelism is about, but that´s how looked and felt to me. I remember the people that I was with saying a prayer for her to repeat so she can become a Christian, and while this was happening I was bawling and praying against her to say that prayer. I didn´t want her to receive this formula god. I wanted her to receive this HUGE God that is not programmable. I wanted her to know the God that genuinely loves her and cares for her, because He did because I could feel it when I looked at her. I didn´t know how to communicate this to her because of the language barrier so I did what I could by praying and hugging her, but overall I felt defeated and hopeless.
So after we left that womans house, I just crashed. I kept thinking over and over about that experience and about several other experiences I had during the week that we were leading me to believe that we were a cult . So at this time, I began packing my bags for Brazil, but a couple of teammates ganged up on me and convinced me to stay. So I did. Luckily, I was still getting sicker and sicker so my team leader sent me away to recover at a local missionaries house. While I was there, I just began praying hardcore for God to speak truth into my life. I needed to hear from Him that He was real and that He was this HUGE and gracious God that I think Him to be, and that this all hasn´t been made up, because otherwise I was done; I was done with being a Christian.
So for a couple of days, I prayed, and no answer came. I did every kind of mediation and listening method I could think of to hear God out, but nothing. So after a couple of days of nothing, I finally just brokedown. I couldn´t understand why He wasn´t speaking, because I had honestly thought that He had before in my life numerous times. Also, I have always been told that God was a gracious God and that He wants to talk to us, but now when my faith was depending on it… there was nothing. So after not hearing from Him, I started to ponder what I should do next. I started thinking about going home and living a meaningless life that was filled to have fun so I could keep being happy, so then that would distract me from the harsh truth of life being empty and not eternal. At that realization, I realized that I couldn´t just give up yet on God. I needed Him to be real in my life; otherwise, what´s the point in living, I thought.
So the next day, I returned back to the group and the next evening we had a church service. While at the service, the pastor there wanted to share words from God to people there. So the pastor came over to me, not knowing anything about me or my situation. When he did, I just began praying that God would speak through him to me, and you know what….. He did! God used him to answer my question and more, and there was no way the pastor could have been known any of these things he said to me. So that was pretty sweet!!!! So yep, there is a God. I don´t know about you, but that is pretty BIG!
So after that moment things drastically changed. I no longer think Christianity is a cult, phew! Granted, I still don´t agree with certain things, but I´m learning how to work with these things and to learn how to allow Him to be real and to work in these situations.
