I feel like I'm congested with fears and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm afraid of being alone, of rejection, of fairlure, of what people think of me, of not being accepted, of not having God being part of my life and doing life alone, of not being loved, just to name a few. Today as part of our team activity we went to the beach just to scream; but it turned out each of us started screaming things that we've been holding on to for way too long. When it was my turn at first I really started screaming, minutes later It turned to crying, then finally all the fears I've been holding on just spilled out. My biggest fear is that I'm not being loved by God; because I've learned that life without Him is not worth living. So, I screamed to my Father to not ever leave me because I really cannot do this life alone.
I grew up in the city when I was in Haiti. I didn't have access to a pool or the beach like in the States. Because of that I don't know how to swim. Last May I decided to take swimming lessons, I was the only adult with a bunch of four year olds. By the end of the 4 weeks class, I was able to swim under the water but not with my head over the water. I've always had it in my head that I'm a sinker not a floater. The reason being everytime my friends tried to help me float I would do good as long as I could feel their hands on my back. If I don't feel their hands I sank. One time one of my friends told me that I sink because I'm afraid of the water, which I quickly said "No" to. Then she responded, that I have a trust issue. Well, a couple times my friend Cassie tried to teach me to float; I would do good until she let go.
Now to catch you up with the beach therapy session. I had prayed for God to let me float in His love. Then, I felt this urge to float and did by myself with no one's help in the middle of the ocean. It took me many tries to float comfortably, where I could really let go and depend completely on God. All that finally happened when I prayed that I would let go of my fears and let God have them, trusting Him with all of it. I floated for ten minutes by myself really letting go, I could have stayed that way the whole day. However, it was time to head back home. It was a beautiful moment. All it took for me to arrive at this point was just admitting to God that I need Him. And that I trust Him enough to be able to let go, knowing that He will take care of me. In that moment of floating peacefully I knew I was secure in His love. All I had to do was just be still and rest in Him and in His love. Thank you Father.
There was another thing that happened while soaking in the love of the Father for me. The waves kept coming over my nose and fear started creeping back in. But I was determined to trust God and to let go. God revealed to me that the waves are Satan in real life. He will continue to send waves of lies around you; when he sees you soaking in to your Father's love, grace, and mercy. He'll try to suffocate you with lies and scare you into not trusting God's truth. It won't be easy but I have decided from now on to only believe what God says about Me. I am deeply love by God. Father is enthralled by my beauty. He will not leave me. He chose me "before" the world was created, and knit me together in my mother's womb and declared that I have been "wonderfully made." Nothing can Ever seperate me from His love. He love me before I could love Him. Lastly, my Abba Father loves ME with a love No one else can have for me. I love you, daddy for your love and your kindness.
