“I don’t know where I am, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know this love is real.”
These words my friend used in a conversation, to describe what both of us were feeling, are an extremely accurate depiction of my current situation. There’s moments that I can’t seem to make sense of anything going on inside of me or around me. I can’t see that I’m making any kind of difference, and I can’t seem to figure out what to do next. But there are also moments of clarity.
When my client at work has a breakthrough, and the laughing and crying ensues, because the word “cookie” has never sounded sweeter than when it came from his little lips which ‘they’ said would never speak.
When something shared from the heart is met with “Wow, I’ve never thought of it that way.”
When something as simple as saying “shukran” (thank you) to the young Syrian boy behind the counter, and it’s met with a surprised expression and “afwan!” because he didn’t expect that someone who didn’t look or sound like him, in this foreign country, would know his language.
When an 11 year old girls asks for prayer, in tears, because she wants to hear from the Lord so badly.
When I’m literally at my wit’s end, and someone comes up and says “I have a word for you” or “I feel like I’m supposed to pray for you”.
When I feel like there’s absolutely nothing I can do, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m supposed to do something…
These are the times when I think “I don’t know where I am. I don’t know what I’m doing. But I know this love is real.” Love will always be love. Kindness will always be kindness. Jesus will always be Jesus, and no matter what circumstances change, my calling to follow him will never change. When I was in China, at the end of our World Race, in June of this year, I was dealing with a lot of regret. A lot of wondering what would have happened had I fully immersed myself in all the opportunities that God had placed in my way during the trip, instead of so often giving into fears, doubts, and hesitations. But then in his merciful, loving tone, the Father said “I am just as glorified in your repentance as I am in your obedience. I will glorify myself one way or another. My glory never wavers based on your performance.” There were a lot of emotions surrounding my hearing that initially, but I felt the mercy in it immediately. Even now, as I make decisions and moves regarding jobs, finances, relationships, education, I’m so sure that I’ve made mistakes—that I’ve not followed every direction and prompting, and yeah, I’m not so sure I’m even supposed to be where I am right now. But every time I say “God, take this now- where I am, what I’m doing, and make it yours. Take it and use it. Free me from the “could have beens” and lead me into the “what will be””…. I know he meets me here. And suddenly “here” becomes exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me. John 12:26
____________________ LIFE UPDATE_________________________
Man, thank you for continuing to follow my journey, even “post-race”, even though as we racers know, it never truly ends. I believe I’m on month 17 of my race! I am currently working full time, serving with my church’s worship team, trying to keep up with the pace of life here in the USA, and doing my best to have real, authentic relationships with the people around me. It’s not been the easiest time, but it’s been so good. There’s some really exciting things brewing for the future, but until those are more solid plans, I’ll wait to share them with y’all.
In the meantime, let me know how I can pray for you or serve you. And if I don’t see you before next Wednesday… Merry Christmas!!!
Gina Marie
