In 2017 I made some of the most difficult and painful decisions I’ve ever had to make. I intentionally placed myself in roles and situations that pushed me far from my comfort zone personally and professionally. My family has gone through many changes. Spiritually, I’ve been challenged like never before. I’ve spent my time on worthless things, I’ve failed time and time again to adhere to the commands I love. I’ve fallen short of pretty much every goal I set at the beginning of the year. But I refuse to let it all be for nothing.
Never have I felt more desperate for the truth. Never have I been so keenly aware of my need for someone outside of myself. I’ve learned that being honest and vulnerable is a much more effective ministry than acting like I’ve got it all together. I’ve learned that always being willing to be a student and have a conversation is better than having all the right answers. I’m so thankful for the friends I’ve grown with over this year who have challenged me, my thinking and my beliefs. And I still believe that “No one who puts their trust in the Lord will ever be put to shame…” (Ps 25).
Now I stand on a precipice. I’ve been practicing smaller jumps, but all with restraints and safety measures… this is not like that. There is nothing that qualifies me to be a missionary to the world besides the fact that my heart is home to the God of the Ages–which is everything! But how much do I really understand that? Holy Spirit… reveal to my heart your power and love. God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. God has called us to die to ourselves. What isn’t scary about that? But is there anything more worthy? Anything that causes us to be more like Christ?
To anyone reading this who isn’t a believer or at least isn’t convinced of the completeness of the Gospel and work of Jesus… I know I sound crazy. But I’d rather be considered crazy and live in truth than be wise in the eyes of the world and not live fully in the purpose I was created for. There is so much pleasure and joy in dying to yourself and living for Jesus.
Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. How blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
This year will be harder. I’m sure of it. But I’m also more determined than ever to surrender fully and let the Holy Spirit take charge. I fail again and again and again, but he won’t. I’m ready to give up and be victorious. Let’s go, fam.
