“I know where I stand with you, but not what I’m supposed to be like.”
You know, it’s funny… part of our training was learning how to share our stories. One of the pieces of advice was to be vulnerable, but maybe think twice before putting your actual journal entries online for the whole world to see… so, of course, that first quote is directly from my journal. Ha!
My pastor frequently speaks of our spiritual position vs. our physical condition. Meaning, we have right standing with God through Jesus, but still struggle with sin because we’re still flesh- not yet fully transformed.
I believe that I’ve been redeemed, bought at an unfathomably heavy price. I live in this freedom that produces a deep joy, unaffected by temporary circumstances. All the while… I struggle. I struggle with what this looks like on a daily basis. How do I carry this freedom, this joy? How do I display the joy that I have while still grappling with my own flesh? It’s this crazy conundrum. This is where it’s so easy to fall into comparison. “I don’t know what I should look like, so let me try their approach…” but every time I fail- after all, I am not “they”.
Honestly, I’ve struggled with comparison for so long, that I’ve struggled to find me at all. Lately I’ve been trying to identify who God made me to be. Not everyone else’s idea. Not even my own idea. But time after time as I tried to identify this, I’ve had this nagging thought that I’m missing the whole point… and I think that’s true.
When I think back to the times when I have felt most myself… those times when I wasn’t questioning “Am I laughing because I really think this is funny, or because they’re laughing too?” or “Should I be louder? Quieter? Moody? Funny? Who do they expect me to be?” Those times when I felt (at the risk of sounding cheesy) fully alive–those times, those moments were all when I was close to people who I knew completely loved me. With my Papa, who I had no doubt in the world knew me for who I was and loved every part. With my siblings, who are the only ones I feel really, truly know my personality, quirks, sense of humor, etc. And with people who share a passion to love who God loves.
I think the whole idea is less about finding who I am as an individual and more about finding WHERE I am in proximity to the Father- the only one who loves me perfectly. Because when I’m near to him… I don’t worry about who I am any more. I can just be. Fully preoccupied with who HE is. And consequently… be who I am made to be.
This world race journey isn’t about finding myself. Not about figuring out the next step. Not about building community. Not even about sharing the gospel (*Gasps* whaaaat???) It’s about making time and space to intentionally draw near to Jesus– and THEN… the rest will just automatically happen as a result.
Selah
