Dear Gillian,
I wish you could know what it is like. To inhale the fresh pine of kingdom air and to dance in fields of baby’s breath twirling towards Jesus. Did you know that you can talk to Him? I have a tea date with Him every morning. He shows up in the hard truth and in ripples on the pond and warm sunlight. He weaves throughout my day tugging me by the pull of butterfly wings. All kinds of them: white ones that come in pairs, tiny lavender ones that you must question if you even saw, burnt orange and incredibly detailed ones that sit still on the warm brick, even charcoal grey ones the size of your face. They all are a word from God. To pray, to humble yourself, to be still, to trust. I wish I could tell you to stop playing with fire. But even if I could, I know you wouldn’t listen, you never did when anybody else told you. I so badly want to shake you and tell you it’s all a waste of time. I know that you are sprinting towards the devil as fast as you can and you don’t even know it. I see you stop to catch your breath and drink some water. I see you turn around and walk back towards the light and walk in God’s warmth and drip in sunlight. But you aren’t patient. You don’t wait in bliss long enough to see His splendor. So instead, you turned back around. You turned toward dust and toward the desires of this world. Someday you will see that you have spent years pitying your own self. How many times have you chased after hell and then cried to God when he didn’t protect you? Someday you will learn that He was holding you all along. At a certain point, he had to let you run. He showed you pockets of his glory and you would steal it and never thank him. I know you feel so bad for yourself but I just wish you could stop wasting time. There is so much promise that you can’t yet see because you’ve been blindfolded. You are stumbling in the darkness. Just know that someday you will find what you’re looking for. There will be a time for your sinful desires to wither away. It is coming so soon. Soon you will see that what you wanted all along was him. Oh there is so much you have to look forward to. Just trust that God knows you better than you know you. You will start to trust God and he will unveil pieces of you that you never knew existed. Life gets so much more exciting and flavorful. They don’t call Him the salt of the world for nothing. I cannot wait for you to find His voice and when you do you will find your voice, too. I have so much hope for you. Trust that I love you because I am you. Simply repent and He will absorb you. He will deliver you. He already has. My sweet friend,I promise, it gets better, eternity is waiting.
Sincerely,
You
