Pride. I get it. I hear you loud and clear. It hurts. I hurt. God, I am so frustrated. I hate that I have hurt so many people. And for whose sake? My own? That’s ridiculous, and so not worth it. I am so used to running away at this point. I’m used to removing myself from the hurt and pain at this point. It’s much less painful for everyone that way…or so I thought. But, God, I know that you’ve placed me here, with people that want to push me to be more like you. As much as I hate that right now, I do want to lean into you. I know that you are working this out of me now because you are good and you created me to be good. And you are going to call me into that goodness. No shortcuts. I know that I am hurting and suffering so that I die and you become greater in me.
“Nothing significant in the kingdom of God happens unless death occurs.” My pride needs to die. Every bit of it. I know it doesn’t come from you. Galatians 5 says that pride is a result of following your sinful nature. It is very clearly not fruit of the Holy Spirit. God, it sucks to die. Hah, you know that so much better than I do. I’m so sorry that I have been looking out for myself above looking out for you. I am incredibly unworthy of the sacrifice you offered on my behalf.
Gosh, this is such a big battle, God. So many things this month have brought out my pride. I’m honestly scared to battle it in community, but I know that you have put me where I am. I know that this is your perfect plan. As much as I don’t want to believe it is true, I know that it is. I know, God, that you are calling me into greatness. Calling me into you.
I know that I am going to be tempted to shut down. I know that I am going to feel much more like a burden than a blessing in the lives of my teammates. Help me, God, to know the truth. And the truth is that that is not true. Goodness, I feel so overwhelmed that I’m breaking down so much just here in month one. I know that you are calling me higher. Higher than those of the world. You are calling me up and out of the sin that is still in my life. And you deserve praise for that, God! I want to so completely honor you. And when I seek you and love you and praise you I want to become more like you. I forget often times that the process of becoming more like you is painful. It is so painful. But I know that it is so good.
Galatians 5:19-26 is so good. I recognize that my pride is a result of following my sinful nature. I also know and admit that it is a sin! I am deciding, God, that when Jesus was crucified on the cross that my pride was crucified there with him. I refuse to let my pride have rule over my life any longer.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Lord, for hurting you and belittling your sacrifice for me by not placing my pride before you earlier than today. Help me lean into becoming more like Christ. I really do want that. I really do want you to rule in my life, God.
Excerpt from my journal 7-27-13
