Pornography, you have no hold of me.
I hid the shame behind the façade of a good Christian girl, it was easy. But deep inside me, there was a little girl pounding at the walls of solitude, there was heartache so real I could barely breathe. I could feel the chains wrapped around my neck suffocating me with every pull, the cuffs cutting through my wrists, they were heavy I could barely move. It was dark, no windows, and no way out. This was my life before training camp, a life of bondage and darkness. This is my story before and after Training Camp.
I was thirteen years old when I first saw a glimpse of pornography. I never really knew how bad it was, until I became closer and closer to God. I never told anyone I was addicted to porn mainly because I was ashamed. See, the lie the devil loves to feed on women dealing with pornography addiction is “Only Men deal with this” a complete lie that I myself fell for many years. It is a lie that up until the past two weeks I believed. I wasn’t able to talk about it; it was a struggle I felt alone in. Shame, disgust, and unworthy all three of which I felt.
The fact of the matter is men aren’t the only ones who struggle with pornography and/or masturbation. The devil preys in the darkness; he lurks to see who he can devour and the more I kept it in the dark the more I gave power to him. I was so filled with shame and disgust for myself that I truly believed God will not forgive me ever again. “Seventy times seven Lord” I would say, “I have used them up, and I am unworthy of your grace. I am so stained” I would talk to Him and I cry out to Him but, nothing changed. I was still addicted. I came to believe God would never use me I was unworthy of His mercy, grace, and Love. I thought to myself many times “How can you forgive someone who willingly sins against you and against her own body?” I couldn’t fathom that this loving, abundant in grace, merciful heavenly father could love me past beyond my scarlet stains.
I came into Training Camp not knowing what to expect, I was afraid people would look at me and automatically deem me as unworthy. I was afraid. I was afraid to let them in and see the darkest area of my life. “They won’t love you if you open up, they will send you home once they find out your still struggling” I walked with my head down most of the time, ashamed, I felt as if nobody would understand what I was going through. It wasn’t until after a session we were debriefing that I soon realized I am not the only one.
This came as a shock to me; I couldn’t believe it. So in my alone, I had to process what just had happened. For the first time I felt freedom. The physical heartache I came in with was no longer there. I walked with my head held high and not in arrogant kind of way, but as in my daddy loves me for whom I am. I am not alone, I can lean on my sisters in Christ, I can lean on my father and He will listen. I had lost sight of my heavenly daddy and shifted my sight to the damnation of my sin, neglecting to see the Cross that held my King. My king who died for my sins, whose blood was shed so my sins could be washed away, so through Him I would not live in condemnation but, live for eternity. I had lost track of His love. I had forgotten to whom I belonged to, who knit me in my mother’s wound, the one who said “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”
I spent years justifying my sin, covering it up, and letting it consume my life. So, today I chose to shine a light on my sin, because it is in the light my father will make His wonders known. Today, I can sit down and write this blog and not feel an ounce of shame. My story will be used for the Kingdom of God. I can sit here and tell you how freely God has created me to be. When temptation may rise, I will boldly approach the throne of my daddy and I will find rest and comfort. Today, I can say “I AM FREE!” I was never the type to burst into spontaneous dances, and in the past two weeks I realized how much I love to do that. I feel lighter in spirit and burdens that weight down on me were left in the streets of Gainesville, GA. I cried many tears, laughed many times. I can smile without shame; I can dance because I am no longer bound by shackles. I can shine a light on my sin because I have my daddy with me, temptation will rise because the devil “hates us cause he aint us.” If this story resembles to yours know that you are not alone. You are precious to God; you were created in God’s perfect image. I had to be completely undone to realize my worth came from God and not from the mistakes of my past.
It took ten days to break chains and soak in worship to know how much my Abba father loves me. I belong to him and not matter what I did or what I do, I know I can turn to him and will be there with open arms. There was a moment in training camp where we had soak in worship and this song came in and even though it wasn’t my first time listening to it, it brought a whole different understanding and a vision that I will hold dear to my heart and seared in my brain. The song called We Dance by Bethel. Again, you are not alone. YOU ARE WORTHY.
