tension
Last month and over the last few months, I have been chewing on a concept. As my mentor Keith would say, we have certain jars of thought. This is a jar that I keep adding things to in my head. I like to call this jar tension.
I was first introduced to this concept while listening to an Easter Sunday sermon a few months ago. The preacher explained Christ’s resurrection and when the people first found the empty grave, they were filled with both doubt and faith. They simultaneously trusted that Christ had risen and doubted that it could ever be possible. In my head, this expanded into the idea that we as believers constantly hold opposing things at the same time. Like faith and doubt. They coexist. We hold things in tension all the time every day… So, as I have lived through the last few months, I have continued to gather ideas and experiences to slip into this jar. A few prominent examples come to mind.
Identity – Last month, our hosts were great and they loved hanging out with us. They also loved the personality model called the Enneagram. If you do not know of this, it is a model for 9 different personalities types. According to our hosts, I came off as a clear personality 3 type (The Achiever). According to me and my own investigations, I have always thought I was a 4 type (The Individualist). As we discussed the different types, I became increasingly aware of my relation to both the 3 and the 4 type. I reflected on these two paradoxical personalities and how both types make up a part of who I am. I had to practice holding these two types in tension, as I continue to navigate my identity as Genna. 🙂
Emotions – While in Peru, we worked at an orphanage that housed mostly children from the ages of 1-2 years old. I absolutely loved observing these babies and how they expressed their raw emotion. They cry one minute and then laugh the next. They are angry and then instantly happy again. This is how grown ups are too. We can feel opposing emotions simultaneously, but we’ve just learned to hide it a bit more as we have aged. Last month, I felt simultaneously settled at the ministry we were placed at, and unsettled within myself. Sometimes I do not understand what I am feeling and I have to hold seemingly opposing emotions in tension.
Relationships- Over the last few months, some relationships in my life have experienced some tension. With friends, teammates, and boyfriend, some more honest conversations have come up. I have discussed differing opinions, differing needs, and differing perspectives. As you may be getting nervous just reading about this, I personally think this tension is good. We always hold relationships that contain both difficult and easy experiences. We hold these experiences in tension, and continue forward in them… which I believe leads to stronger relationships.
History- Even through learning about the history of Peru, I have discovered historical experiences that hold tension. I slipped this idea into the jar when I was sitting in the sun, looking over at the spectacular Machu Picchu, and listening to our tour guide tell us about the history of Machu Picchu. He explained that when the Spanish conquistadores destroyed the Incans at Machu Picchu, there was great resistance, violence and tension. He further explained that this tension still exists today between the Indigenous and European population, despite the good that the Europeans have provided over the years.
Faith- Finally, reflecting on my faith life over the past month, I have discovered that I both trust and doubt at the same time. For example, I trust that God will take care of my future while simultaneously doubting that my future will be in God’s control. I trust that I will remember how to get back to the house without GPS, while I also think that I could get lost. I trust that I can hear God’s voice from what I read, think, and experience, while also doubting it is His voice and trusting in my own comprehension.
When we first hear this word tension, I think most people cringe. We think of pressure, stress, or conflict between people. The word is often negatively thought of, but it is not always negative. So why is tension important? Technically speaking, tension is “the state of being stretched.” It is when opposing forces pull on either side. When we are aware of and accept the opposing forces that create a tension, I believe that we can live more authentically. More honest.
We can bring God our honest understandings of both sides creating this tension.
We can expand our minds to further grasp the mystery with the human experience and with God.
And we can further enter into the faith that is required when we experience the grey, uncertain and ambiguous territories of life where we are required to surrender our own certainty and depend on God.
So, in prayer, to recognize and confront the tensions from this past month…
God I accept the tension of who I am and my identity. I surrender my own certainty of who I am. I trust you.
God I accept the tension between what I feel. I surrender my own understanding of emotions. I trust you.
God I accept the tensions within my relationships right now. I surrender my desire to control them. I trust you.
God we accept the tensions within history that exist still. We surrender our own understanding of reconciliation and trust you.
God I accept the tensions between my own faith and doubt. I surrender my desire for perfect faith. I need and accept your grace.
I think that tensions require an acceptance of ambiguity and uncertainty. Tensions require surrender. Tensions recognize the grace needed all the time. I think that tensions are inevitable. They keep us growing. They keep us honest. They keep us humble.
Luke 24:9-12
“When they came back from the tomb, they told all these things to the Eleven and to all the others. It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the others with them who told this to the apostles. But they did not believe the women, because their words seemed to them like nonsense. Peter, however, got up and ran to the tomb. Bending over, he saw the strips of linen lying by themselves, and he went away, wondering to himself what had happened.”
