I titled this post nuance because this is a word I have been thinking over a lot this summer. The long and arduous process of deciding to participate in the World Race program is what has provoked my thought of this word. This decision process is also what has given me the overwhelming question of “where do I fit?”Word: nuance– a subtle difference, or shade of meaning.
Let’s back up, I first found the World Race program in early September of 2017. However, I thought about and applied to several different gap year type programs throughout my senior year including Young Adult Volunteer (PCUSA), Youth and Global Mission (Evangelical Lutheran Church in America), a campus ministry internship with RUF (PCA), the Fellows Initiative (Non-denominational), and things like Peace Corps/ AmeriCorps. When I encountered the World Race site, I first thought that the program was just a bunch of outdoorsy “raw raw Jesus” people. I wasn’t sure I fit.
Throughout my program search, I was trying to find the perfect fit, and I began to realize that I didn’t really fit into any of them (or maybe I don’t want to because I am an enneagram 4…?). This led to a several month long paralysis in my decision of what to do after graduation (… hence why I was accepted to the World Race in November but didn’t act on the decision until about April lol).
I think there is a growing pressure in our culture to choose a side. Binary thinking. You listen to the news, you read articles, watch media, the language is everywhere…pick a side, where do you fit? From my 22 years of life, I think it is very easy and normal to want to fit in because it feels secure. I think it is even easier to get caught in the divisions. Whether that is of political parties, religious denominations, or even personality types!
Throughout my studies of religion in college and just life in the church, I have become much more aware of theological differences between Christian denominations, having been exposed to about 8 different denominations at this point! I have discovered a lot of what I personally believe, but there is a lot that I just don’t know.
So here I am, about to leave for the World Race program, and I still wonder, do I fit? And the answer I have come up with is, no.
But who does?
I’ve realized that this doesn’t matter that much. I don’t need to fit perfectly into a program, a denomination, a personality, or whatever. Sure it is more comfortable when you do, but I haven’t seemed to find that perfect fit in anything throughout my life, so I think it’s time to stop searching.
Fitting in a box is not the goal within the church, in life and it sure isn’t the goal for this next year. So I am going to worship God how I connect best, I will pray how I like to pray, I will share my faith how I will naturally share, and do it all authentically to who I am. I will not shy away from learning new perspectives and trying new things, but ultimately it is ok to be ourselves without any labels, boxes, or modes of confinement.
I have decided that I am going to stop trying to fit and just be me. Just me and God, doing our own thing. Walking our walk, hand in hand, and living FAR outside of that box! Authentically together. Because I am a nuanced being with subtle variations. And so are you. And really… so is God.
