Sometimes physical abandonment is very easy, like the act of shoving the last few things into my pack and heading on the plane to Launch and then to Cote d’Ivoire. You only have what you have, anything you left behind stays there, and you now have to rely on yourself, your teammates, and anything you pick up along the way. Every month you pack up everything you own again to start all over in a new place, with new adventure to have and new memories to make. Sometimes you miss certain things from home, even things you didn’t think you’d miss, but mostly you’re content with what you have.
Spiritual and emotional abandonment, however, is a whole different thing. After a certain point, it starts to sink in that you left everyone you love and your whole life behind at home. You feel a little lost and more than a bit unraveled. Who are you without these things? Without the people you love, without school, without your
job, without everything you stand for back home? You start to realize who you are versus what society has created you to be. You are still you, but without these
responsibilities and people to define you, you can start to separate who YOU are, with all your strengths, flaws, and failures, and who you thought you were with the
mask you’ve created for other people.
You know, the person who’s always willing to help, who always thinks of others before herself, who’s responsible and caring to a T. At least so you thought. But even
at home, sometimes the mask slips off and people see you for who you really are: sometimes selfish, lazy, apathetic, and not wanting to be that responsible person all
the time. The mask I wear is to be a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, to always show the world the best side of me so I can’t be criticized for anything. I want
everyone to love me and appreciate me, I want to be valued as a unique part of a team whether that be with my friends, on leadership, at work, or in my family.
But the truth is, no one is perfect except Jesus. We all have flaws and things we want to hide because they’re just not that appealing to others. But that doesn’t make them any less of who we are. And it’s not until we acknowledge these flaws and unfavorable traits that we can humble ourselves to ask Jesus and others for help through them. Once you’re blatantly aware of these things, you can’t just brush them away and keep pretending they’re not there with the mask that you wear. You have to face them head on for what they are and who you are so you can start to change.
Honestly, there are some days in ministry when I have been very tired from stretching myself thin that rehearsing with children to learn one more song or skit or dance seems like a fruitless venture when they’re only going to not pay attention and forget everything by the next day anyway. In those moments, I could complain and wonder if how I’m helping is actually doing anything at all. Or I could realize that my attitude is not going to help me be any more patient, loving, or caring, when I still
made a commitment to help out anyway, so I should take these thoughts to God and ask Him to give me the strength, endurance, patience, and a caring spirit in order to
serve these children and this ministry well while I am here.
In that situation, I realized that giving up my needs for others isn’t always a strength of mine when I get tired from pouring out and don’t have enough time to be
refreshed. But I also learned that no matter how tired I am, sometimes all I need is an attitude change and asking God to lend me His strength and patience when I feel
worn thin. And by the way, that day still brought a smile to my face when my teammate and I taught 3-5 year-olds Father Abraham about 8 times and it took them about 7 times for all of them to actually participate. And walking little Mercy, a sassy 3-year-old who’s very selective about who she likes each day, all the way home from
school made me joyful and grateful that I went to practice that day.
What else is God calling me to leave behind? He’s calling me to leave behind my sense of security. My ability to do things on my own strength. As well as my typical
response of turning to things for comfort that I don’t really need, like Wifi, hot showers, and American food. Instead God wants me to rely on His strength completely and to learn how to trust Him outside of my comfort zone.
Are there things that God is calling you to leave behind in your life?
