The other day I caught myself in a whirlwind of worry. About nothing and everything. I feel like the world – that is, my world – is spinning so fast I need to shove a stick in the spokes to make it stop. Communal living is not new to me, but the ways and lessons the Lord is teaching me through it, are. I’m standing in the ocean and all of the sand and silt are churning around my feet.
At the beginning of the race, I gave God permission to completely uproot me and reset my soul. Bold. I know. But so needed. I have nothing to lose anymore. I’ve come to the edge of myself ready to make the jump into the Father’s arms. Full send as the kids say. Now I’m stuck between where I’ve always been and where He’s calling me. Now abandoning everything I thought was okay and necessary in my life and stepping into a new way of seeing the world, of giving up control and trusting God with every aspect of my life, of determining to live the life I was created to live.
Total and utter dependence on Jesus still terrifies me. For so long I’ve been on my own because I put myself there. Gemma worries about Gemma, the rest of the world worries about itself – not in a selfish way but in an act of self-preservation. I couldn’t carry all of the weight myself.
“I put my walls up for you so yours can come down.” One of the first phrases Abba spoke over me when we touched down in Costa Rica. A constant reminder to let Him do the plowing of my soul. Letting my guard down to experience life in true, unbrideled abundance!
Finally! There is love at the end of the tunnel. I’d say light but love is way better. Breakthrough is beautiful! I’m finding a space where I let the worry and anxiety go. Slowly, my mind is emptying itself of what doesn’t belong to be replaced by truth. Using Jesus not as a crutch when it gets rocky but every. single. day. because I crave Him.
