These past 3 months have been very interesting; I have gone through a process of crumbling and rebuilding, it feels like over and over again. Even though this process can be painful, embarrassing, uncomfortable, and everything else that you could imagine, the rebuilding process is truly a work of art from the hands of the Creator.
This month my prayer is that God reveal to me 26 years of things in my life that I have let take deep root in areas of my life that has become a part of my make-up today. Some of these things I have opened the door to, some things others have spoken over me, and some things has been passed from generations to generation.
I hear from many people that it is hard to share with others things you have gone through in your life, areas you struggle with, and just willing and open to being transparent with those you love or those you even feel you can trust. Why do many feel like that, do we feel like we will be judged, or we can’t trust others, or are we supposed to paint this perfect picture life, like we have it all together?
The truth is no one has it all together, and more and more God has been revealing that to me. The more I am willing to reflect on my life, the good and the bad, I have realized I can only get through some of those things by being honest with myself, and knowing that I need God’s help to overcome. I’m sick of always having to be quiet about how I’m feeling or what I am struggling with, I’m sick of everyone trying to brush things under the rug to try to forget about them, not deal with their issues and struggles, and allow those things to settle there until it builds up so much it controls your actions, thoughts, and manifests things in you that God doesn’t want to be there in the first place.
People are afraid to share their testimony because they don’t want people to know their past, and want them to think that they always had it together and have always been the best Christian they could be. But in reality your testimony is the most important thing God can give you. There is great power in your testimony. When you share it with someone, it could be the very encouragement that the individual needs to know, that they can make it too. Stop brushing things under the rug, bring them to the surface, share them, and have God help you through them so you can be healed from them and walk in freedom.
So I will be the first to start, I am FAR from perfect never was and never will be. I don’t have it together and God is constantly revealing parts of me that I still need to work on, and that will probably be a constant thing, but guess what, I am ok with that. I am ready to walk in my healing and freedom, and ready to walk into victory to becoming the woman of God that He has created me to be. So here are my struggles, I am telling you this not to get an award or to be praised, but because I love God that much that I’m ready to remove the rug and get to the root of some of my struggles and things I’m dealing with and not be ashamed, but to be healed. So, what I need from you is prayer!
1. I struggle with low self-esteem and this has probably been an issue since middle school, not feeling pretty enough. Also, at that time I have been on so many steroids for years so I was pudgy and always felt overlooked and unnoticed. I always compared myself with other girls in my class and even now sometimes. So even though that was so long ago that was the first step in an issue that I have dealt with for many years. So even though it has gotten a little better over the years I still struggle, but I would use shoes and other material things to try to cover up the lack of confidence and beauty in myself. That way they could notice something about me and I could get some type of affirmation and attention. So now God is bringing this to the surface, and showing me the beauty in myself, and showing me how beautiful I am to him. Even though I know He thinks I am beautiful, but to be honest He has to break down some serious walls, and pull up some deep roots for me to start to see it too. I know it is a process and I can feel it happening, so pray for healing in the “Beauty Factory”.
2. I can be VERY selfish at times. I often only think of myself and make sure I have my best interest in mind. I don’t ever want to feel taken advantage of and feel like my needs aren’t being met, even if someone else’s needs aren’t a priority to me. The reason God has revealed this is because there have been times where people have taken advantage of my kindness or I would try to make friends by doing things for them and really they just hung with me for that reason until they didn’t care and used me and then ditched me. I felt like I had to be this way and put this wall up so I wouldn’t get hurt and not appreciated ever again. There are probably other reasons for this, but I have seen how my actions have affected me, my relationship with others, and with God. Since being in community, God has been breaking me more and more of this, and healing this wound in my heart. Now I want to put others first even if I feel taken advantage of. God’s not selfish to me and I don’t want to be to others. Put others needs before my own. So pray for “Putting Others Before Myself” box.
3. I struggle with voicing my feelings with others, especially in tense situations or just in general. I just try to tune out like I’m not affected and let it pass. Also, it’s hard for me to voice my feelings because I don’t want to look like I’m weak and emotional. I want to be strong and tough and make it seem like nothing bothers me by being distant and nonchalant, when actually something may bother me and I have something to say. I believe over the years my voice has been muted, not taken seriously, and not valued. So I feel like if I don’t say anything at all will be best. So just instead of telling others how I feel I become quiet and very distance, and have them playing the guessing game of what’s wrong with me. So since being here God has been pushing me to be bold and express how I am feeling, and boy is it big relief. I feel lighter just being open and expressing how I feel. Everyone should try it, I’m not there yet but day-by-day it’s becoming easier. Pray for my “Willingness to be Open.”
This list can go on and on, but just to give you some areas you can pray for me, and know that I have struggles! I am not perfect and I need others and most IMPORTANTLY God to get me through them. Its OK people, let’s help each other! Let’s uproot some things so you can walk in your healing too. Who cares what people think REMOVE the RUG! Get dirty! Dig up your past and ask God to reveal those things that has taken deep root in you and is trying to control you and the things God has for you. So if you have any questions I am an open book!
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