You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me. ~ Psalm 139:1 NIV (emphasis added)
This verse hit me hard this morning, it literally brought me to tears.
It amazes me how God is able to answer our questions, sometimes without us even knowing we asked them.
Launch is now less than 2 weeks away and I will admit that I am both equal parts nervous and excited. Since returning from Training Camp almost everyone I talk to has asked me about how I’m feeling, what I’ve learned from these experiences, and whether or not I’m prepared for Launch. Over the last several weeks posts from my squadmates have been popping up in my newsfeed describing how God showed up for them at Camp and how He has been preparing them for Launch. I however, felt like I was behind because God and I hadn’t reached that point yet. This morning I got there.
I woke up at 6 this morning (which is highly uncharacteristic for me) and chose to write out Psalm 139,meditate, and pray. I also read a few of my previous journal entries. The one just prior to where I was writing this morning mentioned a few things from Camp and also asked a few questions that came up in my mind after speaking at a friend’s church.
The most memorable thing from Training Camp for me was when we all walked around and prayed for those who we felt the Spirit had led us to. My partner was one of my squad mates who I hadn’t talked to much at this point, and what she said to me didn’t really connect in my brain until this morning. She told me that even though I often was in the background of group things she saw me, and my squad mates saw me as well and they all wanted to get to know me.
Fast forward to the Sunday after Camp, I spoke at a friend’s church and after the service a woman came up to me and asked me why I was going on the World Race. I told her it was because I felt God had called me to go and she said that she wasn’t sure that was true. She believed that some human person or force was pressuring me to go. At the time I didn’t really take stock in what she said but a few weeks later her voice popped in my head and with it came many questions and doubts that I had no answers for. I wanted to be sure this was what God wanted for me and that I wasn’t trying to go my own way.
The real question I was asking but was too afraid to put into words because I didn’t want to know the answer was: Should I continue on the World Race? This morning in the quiet as I read Psalm 139 one word came into my mind, yes. As my eyes grazed across the pages of my Bible and read the words I am so familiar with but never fully comprehended, I realized that God had used my squad mate Caitlin’s words and the words of the woman from the church to show me that He knows me, He sees me, He loves me, and He wants me to do this.
Even during those times when it is incredibly hard for me to be vulnerable with my teammates and all I want to do is hide behind my familiar and safe walls, God can see me and He loves me. He knew me before I was even created and He planned this for me even then.
This may seem like a simple and obvious truth, but I’ve been learning over the last few months as Launch draws closer that I spend a lot of time keeping myself separate from others, shying away from vulnerability, even with God. Today that verse spoke into those dark and hurt places in my heart and the lesson I had been taught all my life, nothing is hidden from God, finally clicked in my brain and where there used to be fear because God could see all of who I was and I wasn’t worthy, now there is freedom. Freedom because I don’t have to fear sharing myself with others because God sees all of me, who I was, who I am, who I will be, everything and He loves me and He truly is the only one who’s approval I need.
I am no longer a slave to fear. I am a Child of God.
