My heart is broken.
I don’t think that I would have said that a month ago or maybe even a week ago, but I have truly realized that my heart is broken. I don’t think it was single event in my life that broke my heart, but rather a series of events. You see, life is full of moments where you meet people and love people; and each and every person that you open yourself to and love receives a piece of your heart. I am very blessed to have had the opportunity to open my heart up to so many people in my short twenty two years.
But I have began to understand that certain events that have occurred have broken my heart- things that I have seen and done. What I have recognized is that every time I feel that brokenness I try to repair it myself or, even worse, try to prevent it from being broken.
I have discerned that I have a fear of abandonment. I have a fear that everyone is going to leave and then I will be alone. Because of this fear, I strive to prove myself worthy of love. I attempt to earn attention and affection from those that I am closest to. Because I work so hard to gain their attention, when I don’t need to, I am overly dependent on their opinions. I base who I am on what they say rather than who God says I am. When something happens or something feels off, I begin to question what’s wrong. In reality nothing is wrong; it’s just the natural ebb and flow of a relationship. But I begin to assume I have done something wrong and in order to protect my heart, I begin to push them away and retreat. Isn’t that crazy??
In Nepal one of the girls on my squad gave me a vision. She said, “I see this vase and someone is taking it and slamming it on the ground over and over again and breaking it. But then I see God take the broken pieces and give the person a new golden vase that is unbreakable.” At that time I didn’t really know what that meant. Five months later, in Rwanda, I got a meaning. The Lord told me that that vase was my heart. He said that when I continue to strive to prove myself and then put up walls to protect myself, I continually break my heart over and over gain. He made me realize that I am keeping my heart from Him. I wasn’t allowing Him or trusting Him to heal my heart and protect it. He told me I had to trust Him and surrender my heart or I would just continue to break it.
I know that my fear is totally irrational- I know who surrounds me and I know that they love me and would never leave me. But the devil doesn’t want me to believe that. He doesn’t want me to see the truth that surrounds me. The devil would rather isolate me and make me think that I am the only one in the world that feels lonely. The devil wants me to continue striving to be this girl that I think I have to be. The devil wants me to wear myself down until I am so tired that I give up and fall into this pit of sadness and loneliness. He puts this haze of lies around me and doesn’t expect me to see through it. He doesn’t want me to seek God or tell others because he knows I will discover the truth. He knows that I serve a God who is the brightest light in the world. He knows that God relentlessly pursues His sons and daughters, even me. The devil knows that if I discover the truth, I could squash him like bug. I have been fighting this battle for a few months now. I don’t know what set it on; if it was just an attack or a situation. But I do know the devil has continued to play into it and feed it. I also know that God has never left my side. God has been next to me every step of the way. God has been there with me when I have cried myself to sleep. God has been there when I have felt lonely in a room of 45 other people. God has been there when I’ve felt like the haze turned into a dark cloud that I thought would never leave. Then God revealed the truth in one second and cleared the haze. This morning as I read Isaiah 61, I was in awe. I’ve read this scripture several times, but when God puts a new lens on, it entirely changes.
Isaiah 61 New International Version (NIV)
The Year of the Lord’s Favor
61
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
4
They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
5
Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
6
And you will be called priests of the Lord,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
7
Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
8
“For I, the Lord, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9
Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”
10
I delight greatly in the Lord;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11
For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.
Read it again and meditate on every word.
As I read this chapter of this book today, it clicked. The haze cleared and I could see the beautiful face of my savior.
He opens with, “ The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me…” This means that God is always with me. And not only is He with me, but like an armor of protection, He is on me. He is powerful and present.
The next line says, “ He has sent me…” This says that I am worthy and that He trusts me. He has sent me to do work on His behalf and granted me the honor of loving others so that they can see Him.
The next couple of verses list things that He has sent me to do.
I am to :
- Preach the good news to the poor
- Bind up the brokenhearted
- Proclaim freedom to the captives
- Release from darkness for the prisoners (blind)
- Proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
- Comfort those who mourn
- Provide for those who mourn
I am a big believer that God doesn’t call us to do something He hasn’t already done. Therefore, if He is calling me to do this, then He has already done this in me. He has bound up my broken heart. He has called me free. He has opened my eyes to His light. He has comforted me. He has bestowed on me a crown of beauty, instead of ashes. He has given me the oil of gladness instead of mourning and the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
He has made me into an oak of righteousness and planted me to display His splendor.
There is nothing in the whole world that can separate us from God.
Romans 8:37-39 says
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
So the devil thought he could have me. He thought he had won me over. But he hasn’t won now and he never will. God will always continue to fight for me. God will always be the lighthouse that leads me back to the shores of His safety and love.
He will do the same for you. Are you struggling and believing lies? Don’t let the devil win. Don’t let that haze that is blocking your view of God confuse you. Know the truth. God loves you. God sees you. God relentless pursues you. God fights for you. God calls you His ALL.
You are:
LOVED
WORTHY
SECURE
IMPORTANT
SIGNIFICANT
FORGIVEN
And SO MUCH MORE!!
If anyone that reads this has been where I am or is where I am, please reach out to me. You ARE NOT ALONE! God loves you and so do I.
Thank you all so much for reading this and loving me. Thank you for your continued prayers and support.
Love,
Gabbie
