So this past Sunday night I started reflecting on the first full week in Guatemala and how I was truly feeling about everything here. My conclusion was that I was extremely frustrated and overwhelmed.
I realized that it wasn’t exactly what I expected and that I never thought I would feel this way. For a few days I even tried to hold these feelings back because I thought I could only be truly full and happy while on the race.
So I began asking myself why I felt so frustrated?
I finally realized it was because my expectations were let down.
I never once thought about what God’s expectations were for me.
I told myself that I didn’t want any expectations coming into this, but of course I still had them even if I didn’t realize it.
My expectations for living were really low. I thought I would be living in a tent, eating weird things, using the restroom by a hole in the ground, and taking bucket showers. But actually that isn’t the case at all…we have a super nice house with full functioning bathrooms and showers. We have beds. We eat normal things, have wi-fi, and are far beyond blessed in every way possible.
However my expectations for ministry were really high. I thought I would be in one ministry thriving and loving it. But at first I wasn’t. I was like in 3 different ministries and none of them made me feel like I thought they would. I felt completely useless, like I wasn’t even doing the Lord’s work.
All of this goes back to my identity in the Lord. Like the second day in Guatemala I felt the Lord calling me to a higher dependency on Him, I began asking Him why and I didn’t get an answer for over a week.
I got my answer when I realized I was dependent on what ministry could do for me so it could define who I was: as a person and as a missionary.
The Lord is calling me to depend on Him and what He says about me even when I have a lot — “..And even more will be expected of the one who has been entrusted with more.” Luke 12:48
I’m reading a book called “Compelled by Love” and in it there was a quote that said, “We scavenge like orphans when in fact, the Father has already declared, “I want you. I love you. Come home to my feast'”
Wow. That is so true. I’ve been going around looking for everything but the Lord to fulfill me (living conditions, ministry, community) when He has already declared all that He believes about me and all the expectations He has for me.
For example just this week He has filled me with so much joy by giving me a permanent ministry that allows me to love on 5 year old kids and help them with their school work. I’m like an assistant teacher. It has been such a blessing, I absolutely love it!
I am so glad that God constantly shatters every expectation I have so that I can be called into a higher dependance on Him and what He says about me alone.
I am so glad that my own expectations let me down but that my God never does.
P.S. I’m only $600 from being fully funded!!! If you feel led to help me reach this final goal check out the “Support Me” tab.
