When we were in Mongolia, I was asked to share my testimony at the church we were staying with. I didn’t have anything prepared and was not really sure what I was supposed to share. For those of you who know me really well, you know that this is very different from whom I was a year ago. I would have had my notes a year ago. I would have had something to say.
But right before we left the States to come to Mongolia, God had asked me what I wanted more than anything. My response? “Complete dependence on You.”
So, the night before I was supposed to share, I asked God, “What exactly do You want me to share?” His response? Silence. I got nothing. God and I seem to have that kind of relationship where I hear Him at the last possible moment, it seems.
The morning that I was supposed to share, I still had NOTHING. I walked into the prayer meeting before church empty-minded (yeah, I just made that up). As we were praying, maybe about 15 minutes before church, I thought of the word “freedom.” Yeah, my reaction was the same as yours— that’s pretty vague.
“Okay, God. What about freedom?”
And then it was super clear to me— the freedom that you are walking in, but, specifically, the freedom from depression. So, I got up in front of my new team, strangers, and my World Race mentor. To be honest, I had no idea what direction I was going in when I started speaking. As I was sharing about how I had stopped taking my anti-depressants 4 months prior to being there in Mongolia, I noticed to my right that my mentor, Tammy, was tearing up. And I wasn’t really sure why.
After I shared, my team and my mentor came up to introduce themselves. Tammy began introducing herself— “I have the best job in the world— I can walk with people as they travel and as they point others to Jesus.” And then she takes me by surprise by what comes out of her mouth next— she explains that from the very beginning of my Race, she knew God wanted to free me from depression and wanted to free me from the reliance on my anti-depressants. So, she prayed. And prayed. And prayed. So, when I got up to share and mentioned that I was no longer on my anti-depressants, she couldn’t help but be thankful for the way God works.
The funny thing is, she wasn’t supposed to be with our team in these days that she was. But I think God had a purpose, and Him showing her my freedom from depression was one of them. Her and I had never had conversations about my depression and, yet, she was faithful to believe in what God wanted for me— freedom. Sometimes, we get to see the fruit of our faith and sometimes we never do and we have to trust that God is working. But, this time, Tammy got to see the fruit of her faith 🙂 And I’m so glad she did.
At this point, I had not told many people about stopping my anti-depressants. I had, accidentally, tried it once on my Race (even posted a blog about it during month 6) and it DID NOT go over well. So, I was hesitant to share about stopping my anti-depressants while I was in Vietnam (Month 10). In fact, mom, I’m just now realizing this might be the way you find out…oops.
In fact, I brought my anti-depressants with me on this Race. But not because I need them but because I’m so terrified of going home and falling back into the depression I was living in while I was in Ohio that my plan was to start taking them a month before going home so they could be “working” by the time I got there.
But, right before we left for Mongolia, I realized that a plan like that was operating out of fear and not out of trust that God would still carry me through this season of freedom. So, a good friend of mine on this Race is currently holding my anti-depressants for me and I won’t be asking for them back until I fly out.
In the last few days, I have felt my freedom attacked. I’ve had never wanted to give up on the Race as much as I had a few days ago. And that is another blog coming up. But, currently, my team and I are in Kazakhstan. This is probably my favorite country and also my favorite ministry, so far, on this Race Part 2. Because of strict laws here, I have to be very careful on what I share online…until I am out of the country.
But, I’ll just say that our ministry host always carries around his passport with his American Visa, in case he gets caught and then gets in trouble for some of the things he is doing to share Jesus with people. It’s pretty amazing!
With the ministry we are working with, we are almost always asked to share a prophetic word, a testimony, a sermon, a song, something… I am NEVER prepared. And as I mentioned before, those of you who know me, know that this was not who I was a year ago. I always had my notes ready to go, hours of research trailing behind me…something!
And every time we are asked if anyone would be willing to share something, my stomach turns to knots. There is always a little thought in my head that still believes God doesn’t speak to me. Just a few days ago, a friend of mine asked me to pray for a word for him, and I, immediately, was like, “well, now what do I do?” “Do I sit in silence and pray until I hear an audible voice? Do I google a relevant thing happening in the world to see if it applies?” I have no idea where to even turn with stuff like that. And then I got so wrapped up in wanting to say the RIGHT thing that I end up just not saying anything at all sometimes. My immediate thought is always, ”What do I have to offer?” And I can say that I have many talents, gifts, experiences, or whatever. But, the truth is, I have nothing to offer. My talents, my gifts, my experiences, and even my story are not the things that I want to be offering. I want to be giving away Jesus. God is the one who has everything to offer and He can use me to give it away to others. And that is the season I am in right now— asking Him what to share and what not to share.
A few days ago, I shared something at a soup kitchen. Right before sharing, all I heard God say was “sonship and daughtership.” I know, I know, always vague. And I don’t really remember what I said. All I know is that I cried as I felt the weight of a good, good Father who yearned for his sons and his daughters to know that He has not forsaken them.
Just the other day, too, I texted someone thousands of miles away and their response was, “You are so timely!” But I knew, it wasn’t me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Abraham and his son, Isaac. God had told Abraham to offer Isaac as a burnt offering and while they were walking to the mountain, Isaac asks his father where the lamb for the offering was and Abraham responds, “God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son” (Genesis 22:8). God did some weird and crazy things in this story that I also have another blog about but my point today is that God provides. I’ve seen it time and time again that God provides. God provides his children with freedom. God provides his children with love. God provides his children with community. God provides his children with answers. God provides his children with himself. God provides. Jehovah Jireh.
That’s my blog for today 🙂 I love not having my blog site blocked, so if you missed the few posts I uploaded while I was in China, go and check them out:
The Weight of Leadership: https://friedarenee.theworldrace.org/post/the-weight-of-leadership
My Overseas Love Story: https://friedarenee.theworldrace.org/post/my-overseas-love-story
More blogs to come! Thank you for all of your support!
