Month 1, in Mongolia, I was internally freaking out almost constantly and trying not to let it show. Leading people is intimidating and my team was dealing with stuff I felt ill-equipped for, asking questions that I didn’t know if I should answer or not, and going through personal things I couldn’t begin to fathom.
I wanted to have the answers. Admittedly, I think I even wanted to be the answer to some of the things. There were times where discussions were happening, or someone was hurting, or feedback was being given and I had SO many thoughts and things I wanted to say but felt God telling me to not say anything. And, in those moments, I was wrestling with Him… “Wait. Why am I being silent when I know that I have something to offer?” And, as He does, He responded firmly, “Because it’s not about you.” And that’s something I keep learning.
It’s not about me or what I have to offer or the things I have to give away. It’s about what He wants to do in me, and what He has to give away through me. And I know that sounds like very similar things but I keep learning that there is a stark difference.
And as He would press that truth into my Spirit, I watched as someone else on my team would say exactly what was in my head to the person needing affirmation, I watched as someone would step in to console their teammate that was hurting, I watched someone arrive to a conclusion about themselves that I had observed since day 1.
And I was amazed. I still am. This is Kingdom— the place where I function outside of myself, my flesh, because the focus is bigger than that. The focus is love, connection, and community. The focus is glorifying God.
When we were in Mongolia, I often wondered what in the world we were doing there. Outside of knowing that I was there to walk alongside these Month 1 Racers, our ministry schedule often left me discouraged. In the mornings, we would teach English to attendants of the local church we were working with. All month, I wondered if I was even really making an impact, doing something REALLY useful. You know…because teaching English just felt monotonous at that point. And it wasn’t until our last day when we said goodbyes that I realized I had been so focused on myself that I missed what was really important— that it wasn’t about me. As we said our goodbyes, my sweet student, Furan, started shedding tears— “I’ve gone to many English clubs. But this is the first place where I felt really safe and like I could really learn. I’ve been wanting to learn more for so long.”
I was floored.
Some days we would go out and share the Gospel. We practiced praying and seeing if God wanted us to share specific things with people or if He wanted us to go specific places or approach specific people. My little group had our friend and interpreter with us, Muugii. Honestly, evangelizing is not always my favorite but I did it gladly. However, as we continued, I wrestled with some pretty typical things I’ve wrestled with through this journey. “Why am I sharing the Gospel through an interpreter when I could be somewhere sharing in a language I can actually be the one to communicate in? I don’t even really understand this culture to know the true needs of people. Have I even been properly trained for this? Shoot, I should have studied the culture guide more. We really should just be working with leaders in the community so they can go out and share the Gospel so I’m not the one doing it.” And on and on it goes.
And, okay, sometimes those things are valid and important to think about. But I’ve learned that is rarely the way the Lord works.
As I was wrestling with all these things in my head, Muugii started to share a few things with us:
“Wow, girls. You are so brave.”
“I could never do this by myself.”
“This is my first time doing evangelism.”
I wish I could portray to you the weight of her words and the facial expressions that came along with them. And all I could say was, “Muugii, you just shared the love of Jesus with people today! Maybe you were interpreting but you have already done it and you can do it every day with anyone. You don’t have to call it evangelism.”
Do you see it? In those moments, it was SO,SO clear to me…it’s not about me. God was already at work in Furan and in Muugii. And my call was simply to be there and to watch what God did through me…not because of me.
I believe that is the real love of God— not so much that He uses us to do His work but that He actually craves for us to partner with Him to bring about His Kingdom. His heart is for us to accept His invitation and to celebrate what He has done. And, still, I have to be reminded of this frequently. I learned these things in Mongolia and had to re-learn them in Kazakhstan.
On one of our last days in Kazakhstan, we helped out with a Children’s Day at the church. Up to that point, working with this ministry had been my favorite. And on this day, when all I had to do was participate in games, I felt the question rise up in me, “Why am I even here?”
All the excuses spun in my head: I didn’t speak the language. I didn’t know the kids well enough to know when it was appropriate to discipline. I could be at home, working with kids I know well and that I can communicate with…
I was, mentally, starting to check out. And, I heard it again in my spirit— it’s not about me. I’ve simply been asked to show up and be obedient. And then the bigger question came to my mind.
Why am I NOT here?
I wasn’t there, presently, because I was focusing on myself again. I was being prideful. Frankly, I was whining.
And then my demeanor changed and my heart felt more free. Because, I am called to love people…any time…any where. And that’s when my heart feels more alive, as it lines up with God’s heart.
“The call of ministry is not ‘your call’ to a location; your call is His call to every nation. To set the captives free and to release the anointing of Christ on the earth.” -Martin Lopez
